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Thursday, March 29, 2018

Questioning yourself....and God

Lately, I have been struggling with my pride.
Especially, when my application to be a researcher had been rejected due to the new rules.
Plus, my application was now still on process yet with unapparent promising result
I was stuck in uncertainty.
There is nothing I can do but wait.
The thoughts of why should I serve an institution who treated me like that constantly comes into mind. At some points, I even consider to resign and look for other job.
I felt humiliated and disgraced.
I do not deserve this. This is not even my fault.
On the other side, I realized there must be a reason why God puts me in this institution
When I had to chose the work between this institution and the other one, my mom told me to choose this one. At that time, I feel I have to go with my mom's.
As the time went by, I realize;
I have been always sure, my calling is to be a scientist, but never in my life, I would have thought to be a scientist work in a government.
God surely puts me in this place with a reason.
A narrow sided dream turned into a bigger one.
To bring impact nationwide with my researches.
But today, it all seemed crushed.
I felt crushed.
I even question myself; what if, after all this time, my own mind deceives me
my own ambition has modified such naive dream to be more grandeur than it should be
what if, it has never been God's plan all along
what if, it is all just in my head and my own desire
or what if, it is a punishment.
I have to admit I did a modification of data in order to get published, it is a small change and permitted by my professor. I was in a critical deadline. It might be an honest mistake. I might have mistakenly note the wrong data in the wrong label.I did not remember myself. I decided to do that.
This may have been a consequence.
God may have postpone such calling, so I can be in a process to be an honest scientist.
David made mistake, he repented, yet he has to bear his consequences.
This may true for me too.
Although I have asked God's forgiveness, I surely have to pay my dues.
At this point, I felt I am the one who should shut my mouth and stop questioning God on letting me in a stuck position.
On the other side, I am still struggling with my worry of my career.
If I did not do anything, I may have fail to be a researcher at all.
I am in such stress right now.
I only hope
May God spare my transgression and help me get through this.

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