Cutter

So my mind was pretty much fu**ed up today,
i was ok in the morning
but then start from the afternoon,
the feeling of loneliness started to take over my mind
eventhough I tried hard not to and praid to God
I lost it when I saw them acting not care about me
(call me attention bitch, i don`t care)
It got worse when one of my friend said that he was going home
while i know those two were already gone, probably gone drinking
I might misunderstood thinking they went together
WITHOUT me
I have been used to with both of them going together with other senseis
but, with him and without me?
It was like, I feel alienated once more
And suddenly I feel so sick of being a foreigner
being left out
I let those thinking seeps in when I saw this cutter
And I was starting to play with it, while imagining
what will happen if I cut my artery and how to do it efficiently
for about one hour or so while three of them talking at the other room
I knew it was stupid
but I did
For the first time, I feel like Rin felt,
Wanting to do a suicide
Thank God, I did not do that
but I am afraid now.
Something wrong with me
I think I need a psychiatrist or something
On the top of all,
I need Jesus Christ to heal my wounds...