Craving Validation

 An event has bothered me

I felt my hard work and sacrifice had not been recognized in a big event

Every name was mentioned, except me, despite of how I was also there in the beginning of conception and did my work too

I was forgotten

And it hurt my feeling, even more, my ego

Disappointed, demotivated, what's the point

I know my thoughts spiraling into endless toxic scenarios and plans

I know this is not good for me, so I asked God to take control and heal my heart

My mind also run to think whether I should pursue again my passion in research

I realized I am craving for validation from people I work with and from people I admire

God answered me three times

On Saturday, through a former mentor, I was strengthened,  to go on with this managerial tasks, while it is not easy, she said to me, I am a bright and well rounded woman. She thinks I can pursue managerial position

During my running, I still cannot throw away my overthinking; while I am listening to a podcast,  there is this thought ( I am still not sure is it from God or not); you are God's love letter for science in Indonesia. This is being more than a researcher, compared to my previous vision

On Sunday service, I felt God spoke to me through a song, I cannot stop crying and hardly can sing; I can only mouthing these words

Tuhan memanggilmu, hai, dengarlah
Apa pun yang terbaik, ya, b'rikanlah
Dan jangan kau kejar hormat semu
Muliakan saja Yesus, Tuhanmu

Tiap karya, diberkati-Nya
Namun yang terbaik, diminta-Nya
Walaupun tak besar talentamu
B'ri yang terbaik kepada Tuhanmu

Sanjungan dunia, jauhkanlah
Dan jangan kau dengar godaannya (godaannya)
Layani Tuhanmu dalam jerih (dalam jerih)
Dalam hidupmu yang t'lah kau beri

God put also a message in my mind, If God wants to raise you (in front of the people), He will raise you. If not, He will not. And that is just His privilege.

It hit me hard. Who am I demanding a validation?

For whom I work?