Us and You

Sometimes my own thoughts amazed me, especially after this tough one and half years,

Before, I was so confident with myself, that being a foreigner was not even a problem for me

when trying to socialize with the japanese around me. 

However, after `that confrontation` which I meant only to clarify things without any intention to state `I hate you` and I only wanted to find solution ` happened, it seems that there is no other way but down hill. 

The worst part is that I really do not know anymore which is true which is not.
Have I been living in a world that does not really exist?

Have I been thinking too much, it draws me further from reality? 

I guess, what people consider as over-thinking, to me is actually an effort trying to understand whether I did was wrong or not, since I learnt from my previous mistake of expressing my true feeling in japanese society. 

And because I found such paradoxical thing in reality.

For instance people say that I am allowed to be as I am, that I can act as Indonesian as I can be without too much consideration, but in practice, I can sense an unspoken gesture of interaction withdrawal at the same time when I eventually act like that. In the end, I can not sense any feeling but `Us and you` . 

It grows even bigger in the fact that I am the only one who is a foreigner here.

And even though I tried as much as I can to be involved with them despite of the language barrier (also with a fear of stepping too far, violating their own private boundaries)

the only thing that I sense from most of them (not all of them), is rejection.

Maybe the did not mean that, maybe they just did not want to put the same burden as they would put among their own  because as a foreigner, I was considered not necessary to carry 

the same weight of social obligation.

But, then again, it brings me to the realization that I fear the most which is 

being left out

being set aside

being a gaijin

This would then lead me into a satan`s circle of over-thinking, confusion, self-withdrawal, and depression. 

Combating My Own Depression

So I was quite free yesterday.
We were moving on samples only not doing any experiment.
And then again, the sadness hits again right after he says no for my offering to help him
Plus, when I saw yesterday`s pic his face looked sad
Is it maybe because of me?
Ok, stop it!
So I found this scientific article entitled `Cognitive behavioural approaches to the patients suffering from depression due to maladjustment in the work place: Two case reports` by Masahito Tomotake, Masao Okura, and Hiromichi Okabe. I can see myself reading the patients` problem. Although, I do not think I need any medication. However, I found that the talk therapy and self reflection were quite effective. So I think I might try to do it by myself.
I give myself thoughts of having professional therapist but I don`t think it will be effective if he/she can not speak and understand English.
First, I have to identify which level of depression I am now, based on Beck Depression Inventory, I am in mild mood disturbance.
Second, I have to record my automatic negative thinking and emotional reasoning events in order to recognize what disturbs me and try to confront it with more logical reasoning.
Let`s see how it goes

Cyclothomia Disorder

Another thing that I did after having suicidal thought was doing some research about what kind of depression I have. I came to the conclusion of having depression since I realized this kind of roller coaster emotion have been haunting me for a year and half now and it does not show any kind of improvement. But, there are a lot of depression type, so I decided to do some kind of online quick and general test of depression type.

Unexpectedly, I found I have a very high possibilities of having cyclothmia disorder. It has been said that cyclothymia is a mild form of bipolar disorder that is characterized by mood fluctuations that shift between depressive and hypomanic phases (taken from here). They enlist some of the symptoms of depressive and hypomanic. There are some that fit me I will write them down here, especially when I am around those two (you know who);

Hypomanic phase
- Reduced ability to concentrate, easily distracted ==> this is so true since I can not even comprehend a sentence while reading any journals when those two are around, or when I do some experiments, I tend to do mistakes sometimes in the same condition.
- Sleep difficulties, excessive energy ==> I had this kind of difficulties before, yet, it increases during the time. I do have excessive energy since recently I am able to stay awake and do experiment like even on 4 in the morning with full concentration (esp when they were not around)
- Hypomania lasts between several days and weeks

Depressive phase
- Feelings of inadequacy, low self-confidence ==> usually given the situation of being there between those and constantly ignored makes me think that I am not worthy to be noticed at all. And I will start think that maybe it is because my lab skill is not as good as hers, maybe it is because I am a foreign (who even understand and can speak japanese) therefore I am an the outsider; not necessarily have to be included in every conversation, or because I am too young or something. Those thoughts will most likely worsen my mood and makes me more depressed.

-Difficulty failing asleep, unrestful sleep ==> I used a sleep application recently to assess my sleep quality and apparently my deep sleep phase has been very in a short period. Every time I go to sleep, my thoughts will run around those good memories at my early master course years and then will switch to sad and hurtful memories related with. Sometimes, I even have to cry first in order to feel tired and finally can go to sleep

-Negative thinking, feelings of guilt and sadness ==> I do not mean to be a defensive person. However, I think everyone will feel the same if they were in my position. I mean, how you will not think negatively if you were suddenly not treated well when you actually do not change and act nice? You will surely become less optimistic in maintaining friendship with someone that `throw` you away after having new friend even though you are still in the same surroundings (or even room!). All of the thoughts will surely end in `maybe he simply does not want to be your freind` eventually. Part of me can not accept it, with all things that we have been through which I consider them valuable (not for him, apparently) Although, I am pretty much sure that it is not entirely my fault, yet, I will blame myself as the only one that is guilty on this case. Subsequently, the sadness pain came; recently it also took form into chest pain. Well, it is not like chest pain that found in people with heart attack experience. It is more like, you know, when somebody hurt your feeling, you will feel ache in your heart. Sometimes I have short breath, and sometimes I feel very heavy to even breathe.

- Loss of interest in formerly enjoyable activities ==> in my case, because by doing those activities (for example drinking sake or playing monster hunter tri g) will remind me of good times we had (because we did not do them at all until now), those will make me feel completely sad.

- Depression lasting between several days and several weeks


I am considering to find a professional help from psychoterapist or something. I actually have consulted it with my lab staff. Apparently, it will be very difficult to find it nearby. I think I have to cross out that option for now. I just hope this disorder will not get worse and will be over soon since one of the source problem will leave in the next two months. I guess, I have to do things that I can do;  praying and reading the bible; trying to stay nice; keeping the distance (arranging time and everything else so I do not have to be in the same room with them for too long without seemingly in purpose); always reminding myself of my purpose here and not to blame myself about what happened; talking the issue with some reliable friends; finding new circles of friends, not to be hard on myself. And the most important is, believing that my source of joy is not being around those kind of people but God and God alone.

Moving On (is so difficult)

It is almost one and half year now

but the wound still feel fresh

whenever I remember those sad events

the hurt that I feel is always the same

even worse

The more I try to push it and sink it down

it always comes up, floating,

The more I feel the sadness

I have never experienced this kind of sadness

in my lifetime

even if I have problem with some people

I managed to solve it, or maybe because

the time and space took their part in my healing time

I start to think that I have these symptoms 

of chronic depression

It can not come off out of me

I tried to talk it out with the one that cause me the problem

it did not work

I wrote what I felt in blog 

so I can throw those bad feelings and thinkings and

do not have to leave them in my heart and brain

It did not work

I asked for advice from people that I trust

It did not work

I pray to God

but it seemed not working either

or maybe I have lost my faith and let myself consumed

with those sad memories

I tried to be happy,

not to be close to the source problem

I build walls

I played games

I went out with my friends and made new friends

in hope I can forget everything

I took day off so I did not have to meet the problem source

Even if it seemed to work

it worked only when I was not around the problem source

The thing is, I have to be around the problem source

like, everyday, literally,

we are in the same room

And every time we meet, I feel hurt again.

I am waiting for the day that I do not have to be around 

not too close

not seeing the problem source

so I can concentrate to heal myself (with God`s help of course)

In time like this, I wish I was heartless

not caring about other think or feel about me

I just wish the source problem understand my feeling and burden 

that I carry now

Or...

am I the egoist one?

Do I force the source problem to understand my feeling without trying to understand how the problem source feel?

We have already talked but it seemed we will never understand each other

it seemed everything that we do to each other will be misunderstood

I know I have to stop thinking about this

I wish I could

I can not

I am quite desperate now

I wish I could move on with my life

the problem source is not my center of joy

God should be the center of my joy and life

I failed to put the later to be my center

God help me....