Being A Researcher

Lately, I think God has reminded me with pretty much shaky quotes from different sources about being a researcher;

The first one came from my sensei,

`If you can not deliver your research with your own word in a simple way how important your research is to other people then it means you have not given enough effort.`

Obviously, I have not tried hard enough. My spirit doing this sometimes get on very high yet sometimes just disappear when I got overwhelmed with the obstacles.

The second one came from a program I saw by chance in the local tv about a researcher telling his motivation on doing his research,

`Do you do your research merely because you want to do research or saving people`s life?`

The last one hit me at the core. I have heard these things not once but several times. First from my senpai, who said to me he only wants to do a research in order to save people live, and if he can not, then he preferred to be a pharmacist, the effect can be direct. On the other hand, every time my sensei utter his research plan he will include this sentence, `In the end, we hope our findings can save people`s life`

I feel disgusted to myself.
When I reflect my own motivation in doing research, I found it very hypocrite and useless, not to mention, selfish.
 I want to inspire other researcher to admit God`s presence, especially those who are always skeptical about God`s existence. And that you can glorify God through your research, through science.
And I have to admit just thinking to be a research made me feel proud and worthy, people will finally not underestimate me. Some kind of proving to myself and them, that I can do this despite of the obstacles.
In comparison to that, I feel so superficial.


I have to renew my motivation.

From now on, I will start a new struggle with God, re-questioning myself, asking God to guide me to the right way. Is becoming a scientist really what God wants?
Or has it been my own desire all along?

Review: Pacific Rim

Visually satisfied!

The storyline was quite good.

My special highlight is not on the main characters; instead, is on the supporting actor of the scientists

Thank God; they were not killed by the scriptwriters.

I love the way they were first underestimated yet they finally can beat the odds. Also the way they were fighting all the times an insisting each other's opinion was right yet in the end they can cooperate together and both hypotheses were right ;)

By the way, the monsters really reminds me of monster hunter's monsters. 

One of them, even, looks like Brachiddios! Hahahaha

Niji by Yuzu

A song that is quite inspiring by Yuzu
It was used by Matsujun and children with hearing and talking disabilities for their tap dancing collaboration.
It has a strong message indeed

I do not own rights of this song at all

Cooler temperature

I am thankful to the Lord for today's weather! Love today's weather! Cool all day, a little bit hard to wake up in the morning though. Other than that, the day was great. Feel laid back finding out sensei was out for bussiness so he had to go earlier. I did not go home earlier today, there's one result I had to analyze before compiling all of the data tomorrow :)

Review : World War Z

I know this movie has been distributed earlier, and thanks to this country's policy and regulation, plus my hectic experiments; I just got a chance to watch it now.It should be watched with a good surround sound system to maximize the impact.

 I think it's a great movie, I can't help myself posting some of the highlights of the movie. 

Here they are:

1. Love the opening scene of how they potray how life goes in every aspect in nature and human world

2. I just can't help to protest of the scientist stereotype in most of action movies who are tend to be killed in first half movie. 

2. I like the "humour" scene when gerry's wife tried to call and indirectly attracted the zombies on airplane tank filling scene. When it was still not connected, the wife just put it off and go back to sleep.

3. "Andrew Fassbach: Mother Nature is a serial killer. No one's better, or more creative. Like all serial killers, she can't help but have the urge to get caught or what good would all those brilliant crimes do if no one takes the credit? So she leaves crumbs. Now the hard part, is seeing the crumbs, the clues there. Sometimes it's in your thoughts where the most brutal part of a virus is. Turns out to be the chink in its armor. And she loves disguising her weaknesses as strengths. She's a bitch." 

Enough said! 

4. Epic scene when gerry faced his fear righ in front of his eyes continued with a scene he calmly walked straight into the the zombie crowd. It was like a zen moment! Brad Pitt succesfully potrayed the acceptance that he's dying but by the same time a faith that he knows he will come out alive. Fear beautifully wrapped with Confidence! If you accepted who you are, know that you are weak, have nothing to loose, accompanied with a knowldge of you have faith, you can face your fear and all of the hectic things in front of you. 

5. My moral of the story: as a scientist,  i will learn how to grab a gun safely :)

and would probably wear a non slipped shoes. 

6. A high praise to the trailer editor! When  I first watched the trailer a couple of months ago, I did not even realize it was actually a zombie movie. Until I actually came and saw the movie! Absolutley no clues! I first thought it was a movie of peaceful america finally got attacked by some countries and how these civilians trying to survive the war. 

Osaka

Already arrived at osaka; I am thankful for that :)

How someone`s death can change your life

So, I listened to Atlanta radio, and one of the announcer was talking about how one person`s death could change your life either for good or bad.
For me, there were three deaths, well, at least, the third death- I realized, influenced how I look my life and its priorities. They were actually to the ones that lead me into my biggest regret until now.
They were my quite close family`s death; my godfather, my grandma`s younger sister, and my godmother. They were all sick when I was in Jakarta; They were all gone when I was not there.

The first one, my godfather`s, happened when I was still in Jogjakarta. I could not go home to pay my last honor to him. The worst thing, I can`t be there at his critical moment.
The second and third one, happened when I was still in Japan. Also, I can`t be there in person.
My grandma`s sis was deaf and mute. In consequence, I could not say anything to her or hear anything from her. I could not attend her funeral either.
The only good thing was when my godmother passed away, I can only heard her machine`s sound and then the blurry doctor`s voice telling she has passed away. It stays within my memory. I can still recall that hurtful event. All I can do was holding the phone and crying.  I am her goddaughter. I should have been there when she was having her roughest time. Worst is, sometimes I felt like I was lucky I was here I do not have to see her suffer, unlike the rest part of the family. I can still be absent and no one can blame me.
In the end, I blame myself.

Actually, I do not know if I can forgive myself.
How can I do this? Chasing my dreams while one of my important family member suffered?
And what was the price?
Is it even worthy?
My sister consoled me that my godmother was proud of me and not even once got disappointed of me being absent. And I have to finish this so my godmother`s dream could also be fulfilled, achieving highest education level, a chance she hadn`t be able to have.

Then, it occurred to me that this might happen again. After all, we will never know whose life will end when.
I pray that I do not have to experience this again. At least, not during  my stay in Japan.
Most of my entire life, I have dreamed getting a higher degree even work outside the country. The further the better. It will be a perfect proof that I have been a pretty much perfect grown-up. I can do things by myself.
Suddenly, it did not matter anything to me anymore. Well, it still does matter. But, not as urgent as I used to think.
In the end, it`s the family you want to go home to.
It`s the family that will be your strength and motivation.
No matter what happened, they are the ones you can count or lean on.
Others do not THAT matter anymore compared to a bunch of loved ones God given to you.

I decided to end my dream chasing journey outside the country.
I still have my dream as a researcher. I did not give it up entirely.
I want to focus doing my research in my country.
So I can look out for my loved ones.
People might see me to be lack of ambition or even motivation.
It is fine with me. People judge. No matter what you do.
I realized there will be a time I have to settle down, maybe  not because of me getting married (which I really can not even think about it now), rather, because it is my responsibility to support them also.
When that time comes, I want to make sure I will not have any second biggest regret in the rest of my life.