Total Pageviews

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Fighting My Own Thoughts

After long, I think I found my weakness, and the hardest part of this is that I have to admit
I am in the verge of this close to become my mother;
Negative Thinking

This morning an event triggered my negative thinking again
He gave something (that I do not want to know) to his new assistant and a co-worker,
but not me
I know, I should not be jealous or angry about it
I should not expect anything
Then my thoughts raced and before I can stop, it developed into negative thoughts,
lonely thoughts
that this person only be kind only when he knows he will need people`s help
that to him, it is not important to be nice to people that he does not need any longer
that to him, it is normal to throw away a relationship,
that he does not want to be related with me whatsoever
that he only acts nice to me in front of Sensei, so he will see that we do not have any issues,

or, even when my sensei knows the real problem, that it is not him that causes the problem,
but me

that I can not understand Japanese people.
that I tried very hard to understand them, why they can`t understand me, at least try!
I am not Japanese, do not expect me to act like one.

On the other hand, he can be so nice and some times I feel that they were genuine.
In very small numbers.
Like when I have to go back to Indonesia, and I did not, at first, tell him anything.
Only told Sensei. I did not know whether Sensei asked him to help me or he saw the condolence envelope
from my Sensei at my desk. Nevertheless, at that time, I can feel his genuine kindness.
Sometimes it feels so fake.

Then again, my logic told me, they were all in my mind
And you can not label people based on what you feel or think,
You are not even allowed to label or judge people.
It will bring no good to have negative thinking on people,
It definitely makes things worse.
And the fact that I will not be a Japanese, they to can not be Indonesian,
so I can  not expect them to act like Indonesian people.
And when it seems to be impolite for Indonesian people, it might not the case for Japanese;
so, I  too, should not be easily offended.
I know I have to stop
but the hurt feels real in my heart.
The only thing that makes me sane is to remember that God loves me,
that although, it might be true if he does not like me anymore,
It should not take my happiness and joy from my life.
he is not my source of happiness.
God is.

Fighting your own thoughts can be such a toll
I hope God gives me more strength to bear it
and to survive this battle.
I hope I can get out from this battle stronger, so maybe,
in the future, I can help those who have the same problem like me

No comments:

Post a Comment