Calling

A couple of months ago, I struggled with calling. Apparently, after discussing with my friend, I found I have to redefine my understanding about "Calling". 

I used to think that having a calling means having predicted what will you reach at the end of the line. That it is sealed for the rest of your life. We want to think that way because we want to make sure everything is under our own control.

Most of the times, it is not the case. God might call you for one goal for a certain time but He might call you for other goal afterwards. 

Another thing is, sometimes we are to focused to our calling instead of The Caller himself. We are too busy achieving our goal we forget God might have different saying with what our doing. I have to admit I also made the same mistake.

The most important thing is how we start or how we end, it is at the very moment whether we remain faithful to Him regardless our best or lowest point. 

Having a calling doesn't have to be working in the same area you have passion about. The scoop of calling is sometimes larger than your job. You can still do your job but you can serve on the other area outside your job whigh you also have passion on your spare time. 

Another point is about the different definition of work and job. In christianity, working means we become blessings for others but also we fullfil our need and passion, all directed to glorify God. These are inseparable aspects of work. Having a job, on the other hand, speaks more with having things to do so you can have some income, not necessarily something you have passion about.

Isaiah 40:21-31= Bigger picture

Today, the passage reminds me of God` s power and sovereignty.
As human with limited view and ability, we are unable to see the bigger picture God sees.
That is why we will never understand wholy what God has planned for us or even for the world.
What can we do, however, as one of His creations to do what we can and work with whatever God has given to us. We might complain when we don`t really get why God wants us to be in some place or work on the same thing over and over again or simply why we live; but have faith that our lives have been planned by God and we have to do what we have to do, our works will never be in vain when we do it in God.

Calling

This morning, I watch short ad about Oprah's talk show of Super Soul Sunday and they were talking about " calling".
It hit me right on, especially after last night, being asked by my friend about what's your plan for the next 5 years? One thing for sure, I do not have any plan of having something expensive like cars or bags like my friend suggested.
Here are things have been bothering me since;
We live with more than one callings; these callings sometimes can change as time flies by.
Some callings might end on some time. And we might have new callings down the way.
Some callings might be called away from us.
I was like....oookkkaaayyyy... now I am a bit confused.

Ephesians 2:10-22: Handiwork

We are God's handiwork,
we are prepared for doing His work.
Our lives are not lived for nothing.
They are for a purpose.
His purpose.

What is His purpose?
to create peace.
Peace can only be created by uniting different groups.
Beautifully, through Jesus Christs, there is no difference between those who have received the promises first, the Israelites and those considered as foreigners.
Therefore, Paul stated, to do good works set by God without worrying about those differences.
Everyone united in church should work together regardless their backgrounds.
What matters the most is everything built upon one foundation, Jesus Christ

Review : Rurouni Kenshin-Densentsu no Saigo hen

Just watched the movie and wanted to highlight things out:

1. As Aoshi's fans of course I want to highlight this one out first; Isseya did a good job portraying Aoshi! Not to mention the action scene fighting Kenshin and Shishio. I am satisfied. One thing bothers me, I did not recall Aoshi has ever showed such expression like wanting to cry in anime or manga. That being said, Isseya's nearly crying regretting his mistake expression felt pretty much sincere. 

2. Hands down to Sato Takeru. He brought Himura Kenshin along with Battousai alive. Kamiki also played Soujirou very well, his action scene was awesome!

3. One scene bothered my friend then me later, there was a scene Saitou wearing hakama on his disguise, then a couple of minutes later on the same spot, he's already with his police uniform fighting with kenshin. Magically. (￣▽￣)

4. Fujiwara definitely stepped up his game this time. On Kyoto hen I did not catch Shishio image at all from him until the end of the movie. This time, I almost forgot Shishio was played by Fujiwara esp on final battle scene. Or is it because I'm getting used to him being Shishio?

5. As for Eguchi playing Saitou, well...it's a bit better 

6. Fukuyama Masaharu played Seijuro Hiko well, for a veteran actor, his movement for fast fighting scenes are pretty much good. 

7. Kudos to fighting coreographer and director, the scenes are beautifully arranged and shot.

8. The downside of the movie is you can't see other Juppon Gatana fighting one by one like on anime and manga, maybe because of the duration limit. 

9. The scene of Kaoru wandering on a beach should be erased and filled with Juppon Gatana instead since it felt more like filler. No meaning at all, except maybe showing the actress' beautiful face (Forget her name) 

10. How the other x mark was made was not shown. I do hope there would be one movie about Tomoe and Enishi. But maybe the chance was pretty much thin.

11. Best moment (aside those involving aoshi in it,  of course) was kenshin and kaoru talking how the era had changed. I will not give you any spoiler,yet, it's a very sweet way to end the movie.

12. One OK Rock theme song made me want to buy their album....

Review: Rurouni Kenshin-Kyoto Taika Hen

I will not go into story details, but as usual, will highlight my fave scene and chara; bear in mind that these are my opinion you might not agree. I realize I am not a film critic or professional in doing so. This is my opinion as a the fan of manga and anime I love so much. I might misunderstand some parts because there was no english subtitle here, so please, if you find it wrong, let's discuss :)

1. First of course my fave chara, a little bit depressed seeing most of aoshi's lines only around "where is battousai?" during the movie. On the bright side however, Isseya Yusuke doing a good job in depicting Shinomori Aoshi. He got some cool fighting scenes.

2. Beautiful fight scene of kenshin vs Soujiro, which also played well by Kamiko Ryunosuke. 

3. I can't imagine other actor playing Kenshin than Sato Takeru just like Mizushimo Hiro for Kuroshitsuji's Sebastian. Kudos to the fight director for all of kenshin fight scenes, well arranged!

4. All of the charas are well displayed just like in anime and manga with appropriate adjustment. Hands down for actor and actress playing Misao, Ookina, Sawagejo, Houji! Well played! and kudos to the little boy Kenshin and Misao met, believable acting for such young age!

5. Eguchi Yousuke still not impresses me for Saito chara, but I am getting used to it.

6. I probably had high hope for Fujiwara playing Shishio. Somehow, I still feel he's too weak and less delusional than the original chara esp in the opening scene. But I feel he's improving near the end of this part. The opening scene felt so epic it was just a little not enough because Fujiwara's act was not believable on this particular scene.

7. The weakness of this movie I guess is how they make relation between Aoshi's obsession to meet Kenshin seems to be forced. As you know, in anime and manga, his obsession was because he can't defeat kenshin in Takeda's case. Here, because he did not appear on Takeda's case ( which is still a big question mark for me,WHY?!?), the reason was to take the blame of his subordinates deaths on kenshin who was even not there when they were killed! 

My friend, watching with me and who's not a fan of the anime and manga also felt weird about this. 

8.  Apparently Fukuyama Masaharu will be Kenshin's teacher, Seijirou Hiko. 

9. Since there was another scene of Kenshin reminiscing Tomoe, I guess there will be scene about Kenshin's past on the next part. I am not sure whether Enishi's story will be presented or not but it will be a pleasant surprise if there is.

10. A little bumped out because the saying good bye scene of Kaoru and Kenshin in the middle of the night with fireflies did not exist.

11. A credit for Miura Ryousuke who played Sawagejo because he apparently studied the chara even into details, esp on what he did with his eyes and movements.

12. My other fave scene is when Kenshin prevented the little kid from taking revenge to those who have killed his family members.

To sum it up, very recommended! As a fan of anime and or manga, I am pretty much satisfied. It's beautifully directed. 8/10. Can't wait to watch the next part on september.

here`s the link for the official trailer

Doraemon movie

I am thankful I can watch this!

I have a good brief cry watching this.

What`s next

What`s next?

Recently I have been bugged with this question

It seems like I do not have any new dream

There`s this sense of accomplishment and content,

I have to admit it is too fast to feel that way

since I even haven`t finished my thesis

The constant worry of me not being close to people so dear to me

when they are gone and being not able to bear the regret

prevent me from thoughts of continuing study or having career abroad

Negative feeling

I can`t  believe myself
I am being so negative today
I do not know why.

I remember I started to pity myself again last night
after watching a romantic comedy Hollywood movie.
First, just to laugh at myself, of how pathetic my love life is (compared to the movie)
then it developed to a thought that it is probably I do not deserve that kind of story
as a compensation of having things that not all people can have,
such as chance of pursuing PhD course abroad.
I kept reminding myself I should have been more grateful instead of victimizing myself.
I failed.

Today I woke up with sombre feeling
I did my obligations in my campus today but feel more like a zombie.
You know, when you are doing things but you just do it without feeling of actually doing it.
And it became worse when I start to feel lonely again.
Suddenly, I feel lonely and I just want to go home to my country.
I let myself controlled with a feeling of being cast away
And there it goes.
I just finished crying.
I guess it`s just one of those cry days.
May be I just lack of sleep.
I guess living in a society that does not allow you to express your real feeling is quite frustrating.
I thought I have passed the phase of `fake it til you make it`.
that was apparently not entirely true,
I think I can manage the fake it phase but not until getting used to it.
It just adds up and sometimes it just burst out.
Just like now.
I think I start to understand why there are so many people thinking about committing suicide
in this kind of society

Gosh, look at me. I think I need more sleep time.

Being 30 and still working on them

I am thankful I am 30 now.
I can say for sure that if not because of God
I will not be here.
I feel so much wiser, more controlled, and aware about myself
including weaknesses I still have to work on.

1. Inconsistency
    sometimes I can be so passionate doing something yet other times, esp when something bad happen or
    having sequential failures I will tend to give up and just let things go. sometimes I feel to tired to even
    carry on. I have to slap my own butt and face to keep me moving.

2. Lazy
    I have been quite lazy to study journals. Sometimes I am too tired I do not want to learn anything

3. Negative thinking
   Once I let it develop, it can ruin my whole day sometimes

4. Discipline in
a. Pray.
    Setting time to pray and things I want to pray, sometimes it is to tiring I simply only pray that I can sleep
    and be able to wake up the next morning. Plus naming the usual (never changed) names so they are to be
    blessed. I rarely pray for people around me other than my own family.

b. Bible study
    Never did since my undergraduate time

Dream vs Fear

I had claimed myself proudly as a dreamer who was actually working her ass off for her dreams in the past.
I made the dreams come true, well, not really,
actually it was not because of my strength,
it is only and only by God`s mercy,
He enabled me to pursue my life dream; studying abroad;  to my dream country, Japan.
It happens to be bigger than I thought and expect; doctoral course!
I  dreamed about living in Japan, studying science and all,
yet I have never dreamed about taking PhD course in my life, let alone, in Japan!
How many people got a chance studying abroad in their dream countries?

It was easy when I was very young back then
I knew what I wanted to do
And because of that, I knew what I had to do to achieve it.
The ideal dream, in which I do not consider anything else but my personal goal.
I was so focused, I did not really care about my family,
because basically I knew they would be fine.
The only thing I was afraid of was if they wanted to prevent me from achieving my dream.
I actually was not scared of failing,
I was very used to my application being rejected.
It was simple, if one fails, then, try again.

Recently, I questioned myself,
What is my dream now?
To be honest, I do not know anymore.
I have accomplished (almost) my childhood and teenage dreams.
I feel content yet incomplete.
Something is missing.
I realized I have not set any new long term goal for my life.

I am now bothered with question, ` what`s next?`
Also, with the fact that I have not done anything significant in contributing something for people`s sake.
I have these knowledge but I have not done make any valuable service to help others.
What kind of life I have if I do not use it to serve others?
Is not it what God wants me to do with my life?

Then, a close friend asked me, ` are you not going to pursue post doc?`
My heart said, `Of course I want to.`
But then, I am reminded of those sadness and regret I had when my godmother and my grandma`s sister passed away during my PhD course.
I do not want to loose anyone else dear to me while I am not close to them.
You might think I am exaggerating things.
But I can not help myself thinking I will have to get through that regret once more.
Just thinking about it now, makes me want to cry.
I am crying a little right now and trying to hold my tears, actually.
I pray every day God will have mercy on my parents and grandma to spare their lives
to see me succeed (and maybe get married)
I know it is silly, I mean, I might die first, right? If that is God`s plan.

In God, there should not be any fear.
Right now, I think fear prevents me from seeing what`s next for me
What is God`s plan for me?
Somehow, down the middle of the road, I think I am loosing my passion pursuing my dream to be a scientist.
Will I be happy being a scientist but can not be there when my family, people dear to me, needs me the most?
Will I be proud with the prestigious title, while I can not do anything for my family when they need me?

KW

I actually do not know why they say `kw` (red: kawe) to refer cheap (obviously) imitation.
But it`s pretty much general term in my country.
So if you want to say a watch is imitation you can say ` the watch is kw.`
What I can not comprehend is why people take so much pride in having or showing off kw-ed thing(s)
to others
How do people find delight or contend in having something that is fake?
Don`t they realize they are exposing their own stupidity to others by doing that?
If you can not able to buy expensive things why acting like you  can?
Don`t you feel tired doing that constantly?
Trying too hard without actual capability is a sign of insecurity.
I pity them.

Happy

Happy by Pharrel Williams
http://24hoursofhappy.com/

This song always manages me to dance,
or at the very least, boost my mood on doing anything
The lyric is great, the beat is even better!
I think whoever arranges the music is really smart.

Hearing this song reminds me that I have been more cheerful and happier than I was last year
Apparently, writing is a good treatment for me.
And not just writing, but to be more specific,
writing things make me happy or thankful.
It was pretty much difficult at start
since I was depressed and can not think anything else but
negative and sad thoughts.
I even had to force myself to find excuses or things that
actually not making me that happy and to write those things as happy things like seeing it as blessing in disguise
Looking back, happiness occurs everyday,
it is the matter of realizing and acknowledging it.

Now I believe the secret to be happy is to be content
and to be content is to realize there is always things to be grateful of.
even the smallest or simplest thing
such as sleeping or even breathing.

guys girls switched roles valentines day

well, some of them actually happen here.... http://thebertshow.com/guys-girls-switched-roles-valentines-day/ this country is really weird

Tragic Loss

I was still in a state of shock, I found that a friend with the same age died in an accident yesterday through my time line. He just got married a couple of weeks ago. I can`t imagine how his wife can cope this loss. I do hope God will help her to get through this sadness. Looking back, again it forced me to ponder about life as well as death My friend must have no idea when his time comes, yet, when it comes, he has already made a tremendous contribution to the life science development especially yaki (a type of monkey) conservation. He originated from Java yet he had given a great contribution to my ancestor origin, Manado. I felt sick. I haven`t done much for Manado, let alone, for anyone. I feel so superficial, pondering on his life and death, in pursuing my dream. I thought I have the same passion like him. But he lives and breathes his passion. while I.... I do not know, Reading his friends` testimonials about him, I felt so embarrassed. I only have it. I haven`t lived it. I haven`t breathed it. sometimes I got distracted and tempted to take the easy way, make excuses not doing extra effort. He is known as a dedicated researcher. What I will be known as when my time comes? Dedicated to my friend and his loved ones,

Review: Kuroshitsuji

Just watched kuroshitsuji live action.

Basically the story is very different to manga. Apparently it is done intentionally since they do not want this movie to end up with "that cosplay movie" stereotype.

Brave move yet a good one!

I will not go into much details. 

In summary, the story revolves on kiyoharu (ciel) and sebastian investigating mummified like victim cases which apparently has something to do with kiyoharu's past.

The action was great! Mizushima and Yamamoto did their fighting scene well! ( assumingly they did not use any stunts).

Here you can see nice performance by Yuka whose face reminds me of Matsu Takako. Her expressions was quite dramatic. 

I do not feel that much from the actress who played kiyoharu though ( forgot the name). Seems so so to me. 

I can not think of anyone else as sebastian except mizushima! And boy, did he fit in perfectly! 

From the guidebook, I found out that mizushima has actually rejected this project many times until the crew asked him to work behind the scene and he finally thought that he want to be working in the screen ( kudos to all the crew who succesfully persuaded him!)

Mizushima also took his part really serious, he even developed his own detail such as almost not blinking during sebastian scene since he thought sebastian's character was "saying more with eyes than mouth". He worked with the designers for sebastian wardrobe, shed weights to be 50 kgs, practicing fighting scenes and all related with buttler world.

There were several things that bothered me enjoying the show: 

1. Why setting up the bomb for 30 mins!? Gosh! If you have a bomb you want to detonate why took it so long?

2. And if you have a hostage, as a killer, why not kill her/him while you have time?

3. There was this scene when rin and kiyoharu hide for a while just outside the room full of bad guys. It actually only took less than a min for the bad guys to reach their place but even until rin got her flashback scene and argued with kiyoharu, none of them came to their place.

4. It was said they only have 15 mins for recovering from inhaling the potion. Yet, kiyoharu still alive longer than that she even can climb the stairs ( until rooftop) bringing a suitcase filled with bomb which brings us to no. 

5. It was shown the bomb will detonate within 5 mins. But, it actually did not detonate until kiyoharu reach the rooftop. It was actually nonsense since she waa under poison effect and almost died. To take that until the rooftop more than 3 storages with that kind of state?

Anyway, it is a good movie indeed.

Plus, you can enjoy shirota yuu's cameo.

Eye candies, ladiesss!!!

Over all score : 7/10

Trust

Today, I was shocked by a fact that a friend I have considered pretty much close to me have been actually married not from him. I felt betrayed in some level. I thought we trust each other. Apparently it only applies one way. I am greatly disappointed (not meant to be a drama queen, though) I do not have special feeling for this person, yet, the fact he never told me about this thing amazed me. He did not trust me. I and my friend, who told me about this, realized several things that people around us have been tried to warn us that time but we do not take it seriously because we thought they were just kidding. We knew him better, that was what we thought. Now we understand why. It also apparently that would mean only one thing. They knew. We had this chat group consisted of four people. Now I can only trust one. The other one who was acknowledged as a relative to his, I lost my trust on her too. Apparently, she knew. She did not say a thing though To be fair, I have never asked about what his status So it is actually not entirely his fault not letting us or me know. His status not been that important to me and my friend whom I still trust,yet, he have told me several personal stories and I thought he trusted me with them so there is no reason why I should be suspicious at any level. and because of that, I thought if he already get married then he will let me know personally. And he has been married for 3 years! before he came to Japan and met me! I felt like it has been a fake friendship Again this serves as a fact that 1. you can not trust anyone entirely 2. being opened to a friend you considered close does not always mean and require the other way around 3. if you do not want to be bitter about it : be opened yet do not expect people will do the same or you will be disappointed. I am still in disbelief.

controlling your mind

sometimes i am scared with my own mind it can be poisonous yet sometimes it can be powerful i guess it depends on how you manage it

Graveyard conversation

Today, I went to my godmother's and grandma's sister grave with my family. As usual, my mom and dad "talked" to them while rearranging their graves. Later, my little sist told me that she actually did not understand what is the point of "talking" to their graves especially if you believe they are already in heaven with God. I agreed. Honestly, I can not feel anything while I was there. let alone sadness. We came into conclusion we might be very senseless about this thing, yet, we do believe that grave is not actually for the dead, it is for those left behind. They can channel their love and memories about their loved ones so they build a memento. A grave. Personally, I and my little sist, when our time comes, prefer to be cremated than buried. We realized it will be a burden for our family especially the graveyards are outside the city, therefore, quite far. Not to mention it will take some expenses to rent the place and hire people to maintain our grave. We do not mind to be cremated and our ashes either are brought into the house or scattered outside, as long as our pictures are not burnt yet well kept, as well as, our social media account. XD We will not be hanging around in the graveyard after we die. We believe our God already has place for us. And so it is not necessary to come to our grave. It will be easier, if those miss us to open our social media account or picture albums,right? This has been my second post about death. I do not know why I think about this. My grandma's sister and godmother's deaths have changed my way of thinking about life. They made me realize that I can not set aside death from my life. One day I will face it too. You just do not know when and how. Therefore, sometimes I found myself thinking about death. I was also thinking about writing my own will, haven't done it yet though. The other reason is that since I travel a lot due to my career and my status as a foreign student, my chance of having accident are bigger, who knows, you know. I did some precaution acts such as leaving notes to my little sist about my pin number and passwords for my e-mail so if something does happen to me (please not now, God, if I may ask), she knows what to do.

Review: Soekarno

I finally watched Soekarno. of course, I did stand and sing Indonesia Raya before the movie started. thanks to marvelous quality acting of Lukman Sardi and Tanta Ginting, I have respect to Hatta and Sjahrir more than I used to. other standout act was performed bY Maudy Koesnadi as Inggit,second wife of Soekarno. I, however, am a bit disappointed with Ferry Salim and Ario Bayu`s acting. Salim `s act seemed to be `too synthetic` esp on his way potraying Japanese soldier compared to those japan origin supporting actors. Bayu`s act seemed not that believable as Soekarno,even if it is, his acting shrank between Sardi and G8nting`s. I am not impressed at all. My fave scene was when the indonesian delegates were informed by the Japanese that they will have their independence. they hugged each other while Hatta,who always looked calm and composed,suddenly came out silently. Soekarno followed him and said to Hatta that he was f8nally smiling and congratulated him because that day was also his birthday. what a bro romance scene! The other scene was when sjahrir received news that proclamation was about to be held by Soekarno and Hatta. the way he silently smiled knowing that his comrades didn't let him down was so cool! Ginting`s act can deliver a story although not uusing too many dialogues. Last but not least, when Inggit will leave Soekarno, she did her last duty as his official wive, putting "peci" on his ex husband's head. Maudy's acting made goosebumps out of me. There was also a similar scene with Fatmawati, yet it did not give the same effect like on Inggit's scene. Overall, I think it is quite good movie. hopefully, it will be a trigger to more historical based movies in Indonesia. Despite the conflict shadowed the movie release (Fatmawati's children seemed not happy with the image of Soekarno in this movie, either his acting quality or how his character is portrayed in a script), the movie can deliver some good messages. It showed that Soekarno is not different with any other human being. He was imperfect. Yet, he can do something extraordinary due to the support of his wive(s) and friends. It also reminded us how our country became united within one foundation, thus, it is not necessary to fuss about the differences we have. I do not own this image