Negative feeling

I can`t  believe myself
I am being so negative today
I do not know why.

I remember I started to pity myself again last night
after watching a romantic comedy Hollywood movie.
First, just to laugh at myself, of how pathetic my love life is (compared to the movie)
then it developed to a thought that it is probably I do not deserve that kind of story
as a compensation of having things that not all people can have,
such as chance of pursuing PhD course abroad.
I kept reminding myself I should have been more grateful instead of victimizing myself.
I failed.

Today I woke up with sombre feeling
I did my obligations in my campus today but feel more like a zombie.
You know, when you are doing things but you just do it without feeling of actually doing it.
And it became worse when I start to feel lonely again.
Suddenly, I feel lonely and I just want to go home to my country.
I let myself controlled with a feeling of being cast away
And there it goes.
I just finished crying.
I guess it`s just one of those cry days.
May be I just lack of sleep.
I guess living in a society that does not allow you to express your real feeling is quite frustrating.
I thought I have passed the phase of `fake it til you make it`.
that was apparently not entirely true,
I think I can manage the fake it phase but not until getting used to it.
It just adds up and sometimes it just burst out.
Just like now.
I think I start to understand why there are so many people thinking about committing suicide
in this kind of society

Gosh, look at me. I think I need more sleep time.