How someone`s death can change your life

So, I listened to Atlanta radio, and one of the announcer was talking about how one person`s death could change your life either for good or bad.
For me, there were three deaths, well, at least, the third death- I realized, influenced how I look my life and its priorities. They were actually to the ones that lead me into my biggest regret until now.
They were my quite close family`s death; my godfather, my grandma`s younger sister, and my godmother. They were all sick when I was in Jakarta; They were all gone when I was not there.

The first one, my godfather`s, happened when I was still in Jogjakarta. I could not go home to pay my last honor to him. The worst thing, I can`t be there at his critical moment.
The second and third one, happened when I was still in Japan. Also, I can`t be there in person.
My grandma`s sis was deaf and mute. In consequence, I could not say anything to her or hear anything from her. I could not attend her funeral either.
The only good thing was when my godmother passed away, I can only heard her machine`s sound and then the blurry doctor`s voice telling she has passed away. It stays within my memory. I can still recall that hurtful event. All I can do was holding the phone and crying.  I am her goddaughter. I should have been there when she was having her roughest time. Worst is, sometimes I felt like I was lucky I was here I do not have to see her suffer, unlike the rest part of the family. I can still be absent and no one can blame me.
In the end, I blame myself.

Actually, I do not know if I can forgive myself.
How can I do this? Chasing my dreams while one of my important family member suffered?
And what was the price?
Is it even worthy?
My sister consoled me that my godmother was proud of me and not even once got disappointed of me being absent. And I have to finish this so my godmother`s dream could also be fulfilled, achieving highest education level, a chance she hadn`t be able to have.

Then, it occurred to me that this might happen again. After all, we will never know whose life will end when.
I pray that I do not have to experience this again. At least, not during  my stay in Japan.
Most of my entire life, I have dreamed getting a higher degree even work outside the country. The further the better. It will be a perfect proof that I have been a pretty much perfect grown-up. I can do things by myself.
Suddenly, it did not matter anything to me anymore. Well, it still does matter. But, not as urgent as I used to think.
In the end, it`s the family you want to go home to.
It`s the family that will be your strength and motivation.
No matter what happened, they are the ones you can count or lean on.
Others do not THAT matter anymore compared to a bunch of loved ones God given to you.

I decided to end my dream chasing journey outside the country.
I still have my dream as a researcher. I did not give it up entirely.
I want to focus doing my research in my country.
So I can look out for my loved ones.
People might see me to be lack of ambition or even motivation.
It is fine with me. People judge. No matter what you do.
I realized there will be a time I have to settle down, maybe  not because of me getting married (which I really can not even think about it now), rather, because it is my responsibility to support them also.
When that time comes, I want to make sure I will not have any second biggest regret in the rest of my life.

Somebody that I used to know

Aside, of course, my sensei, he was one of my scientist role model here.
He was very dilligent
No complaints.
He taught student patiently.
And with every strength.
At least, that`s what I knew during one half year working under his training.
I even thought I want to be a scientist with such quality.

Then, he changed.
I don`t know whether it is correlated or not
yet after that person came and became his assistant
and his close friend,
while I became his outer circle
(although he said he never throw me away and all that crap that we are friends)
He never dedicated most of his time thinking about research anymore
He was more into games
He did things just to be done, not because he likes doing it.
Recently, he had new job to teach
He did not even start yet, he already complained about
how difficult it would be
that it was useless
that he will not make it
that he did not want to do it
he was a defeat even before trying to do it
He changed
I am sad for him

He might have reasons

maybe his father`s condition was going down hill
maybe he now has another priority, like having a family
maybe, I will not ever understand
He is a different person to me
The one I knew has died, no longer here
He is a stranger

He is just somebody that I used to know

Changing to someone different from you used to be

So, we had this conversation about my senpai`s plan to go to wedding plan
where his ex will be in the same table.
That person then said, `why don`t you change to be someone that really different from now.`
He answered that he could not but might have to do, then he talked about something I did not understand fully.

But then it came to the point when he said, `I don`t know how to do that. I have never changed myself.` I think I rose my eyebrows that time unconsciously. I wanted to say that he was so fake.
My senpai continued his story then I said,`Maybe some people do that because they think it was so hurtful if they do not change perfectly to somebody else.` I was still in awe about things he said in front of others. Did he said that for real or he just never realized that he has changed and treated some people like he never recognized at all. For example: me? Helloooo!!!
Anyway, I just needed to write it down in order to make it stay out of my head. So I will not think too much about that.

Giving Up

Yesterday, I found out that we will be officially in different group

But there was something bothered me when sensei said that I have to cooperate with him on some course. So, I decided to ask himself to confirm until which part we are going to collaborate.

And with a cold and very intense facial expression, he said to me, `I will only work on this thing, about that thing, it will be all for you for your academic sake. I will not work on that at all.`

I have to say, I was a little bit shock because the tone on his voice told me that he really does not want anything to do with me anymore whatsoever. On the other side, I was a little bit relieved, since that means his bullying attitude on me will be officially over. He will not and can not bully me at all with his hot and cold attitude. And then he left.

Later, my senior came and we talked about the result of the meeting. 

I told him what happened. Out of my expectation, he said,

`Well that is what you hope for right? You want to work by yourself. I think Sensei also understood that there was something wrong with your relationship and it was hard to collaborate.That was because everyone know already. `

I was shocked (again)

I feel so misunderstood. 

First of all, the reason I want to break free was because he did not change despite of my efforts to improve myself in order to improve my relationship with him. I can not stand his bullying attitude me in which he excluded me starting from the experiment and socially. 

Moreover, that was not because I entirely want to work alone. He cleverly conditioned me to do things and work alone. So, on the eyes of the others, they will see I only want to work alone. 

Secondly, it appears the more I talk the more I became so misunderstood. Yet, on the other side, if I do not talk, people will think I am OK, while I AM NOT with things he did towards me. Nevertheless, my opinion appeared was not considered as important as his or any other members that might influence sensei`s opinion towards me. This kind of thing made me feel, again, despite of my staying here almost three years, I will always be the outsider, although everyone try to convince me that this lab is your family. That I am not alone. It is so contradicting. 

Then, I asked him what should I do towards him, acting like he was a stranger?

he said to me it was not necessary like that, besides, if the relationship getting worse, everyone around me will be in trouble. 

Well, I am not the one who try to worsen this thing.

I tried my best to be more cheerful, to give him space, not talking or asking him private or unnecessary thing!

Every single effort that I do did not change his response to be friendlier, at least, closer with his attitude one and a half year ago. 

and then my senpai said, `well, he is already an adult`

I was silenced at the moment. Excuse me!!! in which part of his attitude refers to adulthood?

Are you trying to say that I am not an adult?

In my logic, if an adult have a problem, well, you try to clarify, confront, and finish it with benefit for both of the party. That was not happening in my case and him. 

I said to him I can not act like he is a stranger because of the good things happened between us one and half years ago. and silently in my heart, I say because unlike him, I can not throw away a friend. 

He tried to be on that person side saying, `you have to know that he was also trying to be good at you. you have to understand that. Sometimes, although both of you try to improve with your own way, the result will not be any better. Things like that happened.`

Then I lost it. 

I cried in front of my senpai, saying, `It was like. After all these things happened, it has to end like this. It was such a pity.`
Senpai said, `maybe he also has given this up. Maybe because you did not do things he wanted you to do. He told you, but you won`t listen. For example about your earphone. You still did that eventhough he said to you he did not like it.`
`i have my reasons, I did that to calm my thoughts and my stress. Without that, I can not handle my stress. I can not do anything without it. Besides, for things that I know I have to aware, I did it without the music.`
Senpai said he understood, but may be that person will not.
Besides, on the other hand, I know he did his operation hearing radio, he also sometimes did his experiment hearing music. It was like licking your own saliva,right??!?!?!
It was not fair.

We talked some more I could not remember. Then my senpai said, `may be you have to give up all of your efforts. The only thing you can do right now is to change yourself from within, be happy and cheerful. Be polite and kind to him regardless his response would be bad or good. Act like you want to act.`, he then continued, `besides, he was not a bad person, you know.`

I still want to believe it too. But his attitudes were contradictive with what my senpai believed. 

You know, he has an advantage of an image of good person. 

No one will ever trust me about things that he had done to me.

That was because no one has witnessed them.

I guess that was a thing of being bullied.

You can not talk. 

You can only be silence about it.

The more you talk the more you will suffer.

Anyway, back to the topic

at the very least, this awkward moment will end soon within these weeks.

I think my senpai is right

My attitude should not be influenced by his response. 

It will not be better, let alone the same like it used to

But I have things to look forward on to. 

I still have friends that I can lean on 

And of course, I still have God. 

I have to forgive and forget 

the last part is the most difficult thing to do. 

I consult with a friend in my country to, what should I do to a person who is not even trying to improve our relationship. Should I stop trying? What would Jesus do?

Then his answered hit me, `You know the pharisee? in the end, Jesus leave them with their stubbornness. He let them believe in what they want to believe. He had done everything he done. But when they still reject everything He offered, it ended just like that. 

Another confirmation about what should I do about this

Giving it up