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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Giving Up

Yesterday, I found out that we will be officially in different group
But there was something bothered me when sensei said that I have to cooperate with him on some course. So, I decided to ask himself to confirm until which part we are going to collaborate.
And with a cold and very intense facial expression, he said to me, `I will only work on this thing, about that thing, it will be all for you for your academic sake. I will not work on that at all.`
I have to say, I was a little bit shock because the tone on his voice told me that he really does not want anything to do with me anymore whatsoever. On the other side, I was a little bit relieved, since that means his bullying attitude on me will be officially over. He will not and can not bully me at all with his hot and cold attitude. And then he left.

Later, my senior came and we talked about the result of the meeting. 
I told him what happened. Out of my expectation, he said,
`Well that is what you hope for right? You want to work by yourself. I think Sensei also understood that there was something wrong with your relationship and it was hard to collaborate.That was because everyone know already. `
I was shocked (again)
I feel so misunderstood. 
First of all, the reason I want to break free was because he did not change despite of my efforts to improve myself in order to improve my relationship with him. I can not stand his bullying attitude me in which he excluded me starting from the experiment and socially. 
Moreover, that was not because I entirely want to work alone. He cleverly conditioned me to do things and work alone. So, on the eyes of the others, they will see I only want to work alone. 
Secondly, it appears the more I talk the more I became so misunderstood. Yet, on the other side, if I do not talk, people will think I am OK, while I AM NOT with things he did towards me. Nevertheless, my opinion appeared was not considered as important as his or any other members that might influence sensei`s opinion towards me. This kind of thing made me feel, again, despite of my staying here almost three years, I will always be the outsider, although everyone try to convince me that this lab is your family. That I am not alone. It is so contradicting. 

Then, I asked him what should I do towards him, acting like he was a stranger?
he said to me it was not necessary like that, besides, if the relationship getting worse, everyone around me will be in trouble. 
Well, I am not the one who try to worsen this thing.
I tried my best to be more cheerful, to give him space, not talking or asking him private or unnecessary thing!
Every single effort that I do did not change his response to be friendlier, at least, closer with his attitude one and a half year ago. 
and then my senpai said, `well, he is already an adult`
I was silenced at the moment. Excuse me!!! in which part of his attitude refers to adulthood?
Are you trying to say that I am not an adult?
In my logic, if an adult have a problem, well, you try to clarify, confront, and finish it with benefit for both of the party. That was not happening in my case and him. 
I said to him I can not act like he is a stranger because of the good things happened between us one and half years ago. and silently in my heart, I say because unlike him, I can not throw away a friend. 
He tried to be on that person side saying, `you have to know that he was also trying to be good at you. you have to understand that. Sometimes, although both of you try to improve with your own way, the result will not be any better. Things like that happened.`
Then I lost it. 
I cried in front of my senpai, saying, `It was like. After all these things happened, it has to end like this. It was such a pity.`
Senpai said, `maybe he also has given this up. Maybe because you did not do things he wanted you to do. He told you, but you won`t listen. For example about your earphone. You still did that eventhough he said to you he did not like it.`
`i have my reasons, I did that to calm my thoughts and my stress. Without that, I can not handle my stress. I can not do anything without it. Besides, for things that I know I have to aware, I did it without the music.`
Senpai said he understood, but may be that person will not.
Besides, on the other hand, I know he did his operation hearing radio, he also sometimes did his experiment hearing music. It was like licking your own saliva,right??!?!?!
It was not fair.
We talked some more I could not remember. Then my senpai said, `may be you have to give up all of your efforts. The only thing you can do right now is to change yourself from within, be happy and cheerful. Be polite and kind to him regardless his response would be bad or good. Act like you want to act.`, he then continued, `besides, he was not a bad person, you know.`
I still want to believe it too. But his attitudes were contradictive with what my senpai believed. 
You know, he has an advantage of an image of good person. 
No one will ever trust me about things that he had done to me.
That was because no one has witnessed them.
I guess that was a thing of being bullied.
You can not talk. 
You can only be silence about it.
The more you talk the more you will suffer.

Anyway, back to the topic
at the very least, this awkward moment will end soon within these weeks.
I think my senpai is right
My attitude should not be influenced by his response. 
It will not be better, let alone the same like it used to
But I have things to look forward on to. 
I still have friends that I can lean on 
And of course, I still have God. 
I have to forgive and forget 
the last part is the most difficult thing to do. 
I consult with a friend in my country to, what should I do to a person who is not even trying to improve our relationship. Should I stop trying? What would Jesus do?
Then his answered hit me, `You know the pharisee? in the end, Jesus leave them with their stubbornness. He let them believe in what they want to believe. He had done everything he done. But when they still reject everything He offered, it ended just like that. 
Another confirmation about what should I do about this
Giving it up

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