Romcom syndrome

I realized recently I have this romcom syndrome. I actually love this romantic comedy genre movies. I mean who doesn't love movies that not require you any deep thoughts and end in happy lovey dovey ending despite of the struggles the couples have? 

Regardless, I always have this uncomfortable feeling after watching these movies. I will slowly feel pathetic while comparing myself, who have been single for my entire life, with these stories and friends or colleagues who have married or in exclusive relationship.

These main girl characters, no matter how f up or overweight or insecure they are, will always some patient and cool dudes to save them in terms of loving them unconditionally. No matter how much these girls push them away, the guys would chase and fight for getting them back again. I have some sweet lovey dovey moments too, but they always ends up with me forcing my imagination to be true while actually most of them are all just one sided feeling. Either I was too young for any relationship, misunderstood completely the attention I receive, or the latest one, geographical barrier. In the end, I always fail in terms of relationship. I even think maybe I am not meant to have a soulmate. It's kind of ironic because back then I thought life's so good I do not even need any relationship. Heck, I can take care myself. I've been single for my whole live, I am not a failed person. I don't suffer or die because of being single. Why bother right?

When it sinks  perfectly i will feel lonely and be the unfortunate person in this world. I know it's ungrateful, right? I have people who love me unconditionally like my parents and family I have God who have literally died for me despite of me being a f up sinner. There are many people out there have to struggle to live day by day, fighting cancer, even have to survive war

I try to be positive about myself and concentrate on my achievements so far. Not everyone can actually be on where I am now. But, then, I will feel incomplete. I guess I am beginning to see a pattern here, these kind of movies triggers these pathetic thoughts. I don't blame romcom movies. I blame myself doing the same mistake. I am victimizing myself. I think I should never watch this genre, not until I am actually in a relationship. Or at least not until I get rid of my insecurity of being single.

Gosh, I think I need some detox now.

I think I should watch dexter later.

Being Single

Despite of not being successful in starting any relationship with men, in some occassion, actually,
I am quite sure that I will be single for the rest of my life.

It is not like I am too afraid of starting any new relationship
or to open my heart to a man.

I do not mind at all, if that is true.
In fact, I am pretty much sure it is God`s calling for me.
I am proud of it.
I can even say with confident in front of my family and friends
I do not have any plan or any desire to get married.
I do not feel ashamed although most of my friends with the same age
are planning to get or have already married and even have a child



Being single all of my life (excluding 2 days of having a status of somebody`s girlfriend, yep, 2 days, it was a monkey love, they said, so does not count), I realized,
I am more focused with my goals and responsibilities.
I can concentrate more on my relationship with family, friends
and, more importantly, God.
I can chase my dreams
I am happy
I can do whatever I want
I can be myself
I do not need any special man to enter my life and
to make me happy or satisfied

Based on my experience,every time I fall in love,
I will make that man as my priority, worstly, even God becomes second.
It was terrible.

The last experience taught me that.
Letting myself fall in love with someone will only drag me further
from everything I should be closer to.
I was more melancholy, which I am actually not.
Does not bring any benefit at all

I do not want that to happen again.
Ever.


The only thing that concerns me now is not the social/peer pressure
it is my parents.
It must be difficult having your child not married yet
not even involved in any relationship whatsoever
while their friends and families already have grandchildren
I feel like I have not made their happiness to be perfect yet

I have once or twice brought this matter
in front of them in a couple of occasion
They said they were not that worried
if until now I have not been in any special relationship
and am now concentrating on finishing my graduate course
but they seemed to be concerned
when I said I do not want to get married at all.
And sadly, I do not think I can not give that to them
I think that will be my failure
If only I can say to them, I will try to be anything that
you can be proud of
but not a wife of someone or mother to a child
They probably have to put their hope on my sisters
However, I can not say that, can`t I?


Thing that I can do for now
is praying to confirm this
I hope God can give me any confirmation
for this decision.
Eventhough that perfectly suitable man does not exist
thus will not come
I am OK with that
I have decided to follow whatever His decision
But the most important thing
I hope I do not misunderstand His answer
and what I believe in now is not merely me being stubborn
or having too much qualification or pride
Until then, I decide to enjoy my life as a single independent woman


And here`s a song that represents my thoughts about this topic