Craving Validation

 An event has bothered me

I felt my hard work and sacrifice had not been recognized in a big event

Every name was mentioned, except me, despite of how I was also there in the beginning of conception and did my work too

I was forgotten

And it hurt my feeling, even more, my ego

Disappointed, demotivated, what's the point

I know my thoughts spiraling into endless toxic scenarios and plans

I know this is not good for me, so I asked God to take control and heal my heart

My mind also run to think whether I should pursue again my passion in research

I realized I am craving for validation from people I work with and from people I admire

God answered me three times

On Saturday, through a former mentor, I was strengthened,  to go on with this managerial tasks, while it is not easy, she said to me, I am a bright and well rounded woman. She thinks I can pursue managerial position

During my running, I still cannot throw away my overthinking; while I am listening to a podcast,  there is this thought ( I am still not sure is it from God or not); you are God's love letter for science in Indonesia. This is being more than a researcher, compared to my previous vision

On Sunday service, I felt God spoke to me through a song, I cannot stop crying and hardly can sing; I can only mouthing these words

Tuhan memanggilmu, hai, dengarlah
Apa pun yang terbaik, ya, b'rikanlah
Dan jangan kau kejar hormat semu
Muliakan saja Yesus, Tuhanmu

Tiap karya, diberkati-Nya
Namun yang terbaik, diminta-Nya
Walaupun tak besar talentamu
B'ri yang terbaik kepada Tuhanmu

Sanjungan dunia, jauhkanlah
Dan jangan kau dengar godaannya (godaannya)
Layani Tuhanmu dalam jerih (dalam jerih)
Dalam hidupmu yang t'lah kau beri

God put also a message in my mind, If God wants to raise you (in front of the people), He will raise you. If not, He will not. And that is just His privilege.

It hit me hard. Who am I demanding a validation?

For whom I work?

The Fear of Being Nobody

For the last two years I have been recognizing (and acknowledging) my ultimate fear (death aside);
the fear of being nobody.

I have that "Fear of Missing Out", particularly in terms of being in a relationship, but this do not bother me too much compared to The Fear of Being Nobody.

I learn to live these lyrics from two amazing songs by Casting Crowns, namely
"Nobody" and "Only Jesus"; indeed these songs slap me in the face, forcing me to see the truth,
the thing that matters the most, God.

Indeed, God has revealed to me (forcefully) also through this fear; my (another) mistake;
seeking the gifts rather than the One who grants the gifts

2018 Resolution

Spiritual :
1. scheduled and detailed prayer lists
2. read C S Lewis books (the non fiction ones)

Family
1. Try to enjoy talking with family, esp immediate ones
2. More patience in explaining and doing things for the parents
3. More smile in the morning

Health
1. at least 3 gym classes a week
2. additional of 500 km of running by the end of the year
3. complete a full marathon (Bali if possible)
4. A cup of coffee and A litre of water a day
5. Less sugary food (incl chocolate)
6. NO eating after 7
7. Learn to dive

Financial
1. Not touching my "tunjangan jabatan" for pampering myself
2. Take TJ more often than gojek
3.  Eat modestly

Knowledge and Work
1. Continue and master basics of deutsch language
2. Participate in polyglot community
3. Wake up before 6 am
4. Finish, summarize, and understand at least one or two journals in a week

Art:
1. Visit more museums and galleries
2. Start sketeching and post in new account of insta to get some feedback

Relationship
1. Open for any kind of introduction
2. Stay true to myself

Tokushima Marathon 2016

 Karena baru pertama kali FM, pace rakyat jelata dan takut "diciduk kamtib" maka saya ga berani sering foto2. Cuma beberapa dan ada yg dari dokumentasi temen. Ini adalah event besar dan official international saya yang pertama jadi gimanaa gitu rasanya hehe.

H-1: pengambilan race pack dan pameran booth running apparel. Ada kelas terbatas untuk 400 orang pertama di mana beberapa atlet veteran seperti Naoko Takahashi sharing pengalaman n tips untuk marathon. Lumayan detail sampe ada cara efektif untuk minum sambil lari hahahaha. Ada praktek singkat juga. Jadi kalo beruntung form lari peserta bisa direview ama mereka ( ga semua sih). Ketemu mas Jati, delegasi (tak) resmi Indonesia (cieee) dan jadi penerjemah dadakan buat beliau hehe. 

Hari H: nervous dari subuh begitu sampe tempat event, langsung check in ke wc hahaha. Berhubung start blocknya paling belakang jadi ngeceng2 dulu liat gimana sih klo yg veteran lagi pada siap-siap sebelum tanding.

Setelah 23 menit akhirnya nyampe garis start dan mulai deh. Sempet kebawa pace para senior untung opa2 temen sebelah ngingetin supaya ga usa buru2. σ(^_^;)

14 km pertama masih bisa ketawa2 liat supporter kiri kanan dadah2 cantik n high five sama para supporter. Malah karaoke an rame2 pula. Kali ini saya ngikutin pacemaker paling belakang yang juga sensei lari saya. Enaknya, Beliau bawa belt speaker gitu (baru tau ada barang beginian) dan setiap bbrp kilo dia puter musik mulai dari lagu lokal sampe Obladi Obladanya Beatles.

15 km berikutnya uda mulai berasa berat tapi ga "hit the wall" jadi masi bisa lari meski pace turun dikit. Karena lari bareng sensei jadi ada reminder kapan mesti berenti untuk stretching kapan jalan n kapan lari lagi. Tapi dasar pace level rakyat jelata jadinya saya mulai ketinggalan di km 28. begitu bisa kesusul karena mereka stretching saya baru nyampe. Hahaha

Kira2 km 29 mulai de dramanya. Kinetiotape untuk telapak kaki saya tiba2 ada yang lepas tapi karena mesti lepas kaos kaki and sepatu saya ogah and berniat ditahan aja. Tinggal 13 kiloan ini #songong. Untungnya sakitnya itu ketutup sama sakit di paha, pinggang dan gluteus :). Tengah2 entah kenapa mulai mikir yang aneh2, kenapa ga ada ujung2nya, why am I doing this, kalo tiba2 kena cardiac arrest keluarga gw di Indo semua dkk yang akhirnya bikin pace lambat sampe sempet beberapa kali jalan. Mungkin karena di rentang ini supporternya ga serame tadi.

Km 33 mulai dpt pencerahan karena stretching dan setiap nemu relawan nawarin spray langsung minta disemprot. Tiap kali water station ngambil garam n air dua gelas, satu buat minum satu buat guyur2 muka, leher, dan lutut. Saking semangatnys kadang uda ga bedain guyur2nya pake aer atau isotonik hahah. Ketemu maskot2 lucu. Ditambah lagi sensei bilang (iya saya berhasil nyusul mereka lagi) setelah point ini kalian uda pasti bisa selesai! Langsung high tension (kayak kata AKB48) lagi dong. 

Km 38 seneng ngeliat cheerleaders SMA semangat banget teriak2 kasi semangat. 900 m kemudian. I am in the state of euphoria. Karena 38.9 km adalah gerbang cut off terakhir dan saya masih kurang lebih 10 menitan lebi awal dari waktunya.

Km 40 mulai senang tapi gelisah. Ini kenapa belon ada tanda2 km 41?!! Hahaha mulai ga sabaran. 

Last 2 km ketemu sama opa2 yang start bareng sama saya. Jadilah dia temen ngobrol selama lari. Seneng karena capeknya bisa dialihkan ke ngobrol tips lari hahaha (iya, pace saya ternyata masi golongan opa2 hiks). 

Last 1 km; uda mulai bisa dadah2 cantik lagi. Last 500 m guest runner Naoko Takahashinya lari ke arah kami dan mulai high five in satu2 peserta termasuk kami. 

Masuk gerbang stadium tempat finish rasanya surreal banget! Opa Matsui, trmen saya ini ngegandeng tangan saya sambil bilang," ayo goal bareng2!" Dan...

Finish!

Ilang sakitnya untuk beberapa saat. Seneng banget. Dan ternyata finish rame itu lebi menyenangkan daripada finish sendiri ya ( in case of pelari rakyat jelata tentunya).  

Begitu selesai finish kita dituntun untuk ngambil handuk dan sertifikat finisher. Sayangnya, kita mesti ambil medal di tempat lain yg lumayan terpisah. Jadilah abis ganti baju dan makan udon gratisan ngantri panjang buat bisnya. Ini satu hal yg agak minus di mata saya soalnya helooo gw baru selesai lari 42 km dan sekarang mesti ngantri bediri lagi 45 menit?!*manjangeselinmodeON.

On the side note, saya suka desain t-shirt, finisher medal and finisher towelnya. Warna biru itu spesial buat Tokushima karena mereka penghasil pewarna biru alami sejak jaman dulu dan kalo ada yang penggemar anime, Tokushima adalah headquarter nya Ufotable makanya desain guide book dan medalnya ala2 anime gitu :) 

Karena mereka penghasil jeruk nipis jadi maskot mereka juga jeruk nipis alias sudachi-kun.

Yang saya suka lagi adalah supporternya beberapa adalah grup tradisional Awa Odori, seneng liat warna warninya dan irama musiknya. Mulai dari anak kecil sampai kakek nenek juga semangat ngasi tangan buat high five. Ada band, grup taiko, ocarina, dan kesenian tradisional lokal lainnya.

View coursenya bikin seger karena sebagian besar ga jauh2 dari sungai. Tapi ada downsidenya; ga ada pu'un. Jadi kalo lagi siang panas banget dan ga ada angin, ga bisa ngadem kecuali beberapa di kolong jembatan atau tenda water station. Untungnya pas kami lari ga terlalu panas dan berawan, maksimal kayaknya 21-22 derajat. Ketinggiannya bervariasi tapi menurut saya tanjakannya ga sadis2 amat. Lumayan buat curi waktu jalan dan atur napas.

Event ini punya 20 water station termasuk beberapa care tent buat massage and emergency. Ada tenaga AED juga baik yang sepedaan maupun stay di tiap bbrp km. Jadi berasa aman banget. Saya bawa energy gel sendiri tapi akhirnya ga kepake karena persediaan mereka lengkap banget. WC juga hampir tiap 2 km ada. Saya usahakan ga ke wc karena males ngantri dan nervous sama COT juga sih. 

Kalo ditanya mau FM lagi apa ga, masi suka labil pas selesai udah ga mau lagi soalnya at least saya uda nyentangin salah satu challenge untuk diri saya sendiri sebelum ultah kesekian. Tapi makin ke sini makin pengen lagi walau mungkin ga berani di Jakarta. Panas bo!

Above all, yang saya suka dari event FM (dan HM) adalah supporter2 yang kreatif, dandanan pelari2nya yg warna warni dan yang paling pentiing volunteer2nya. To me, I think Marathon is not an individual race. It's a teamwork between the runner, supporters and volunteers. 

Kalo bisa FM lagi yang jelas saya akan bawa kamera buat ngerekam supporter2nya ( tapi semoga saat itu pace saya memungkinkan untuk leyeh selfie n foto2).

Homesick Syndrome

Yesterday night, I cried for reasons I do not know exactly what they are. Maybe they are accumulated for so many times I can not cry when I supposed to cry. It felt so overwhelming, my chest hurt.
What is left right now is homesick feeling.
A longing for
Place you know you are warmly and earnestly welcome.
Familiar people you do not have to hide your true feeling or even self.
Moments you can enjoy from your heart
In short, my comfort zone.
To know my time will come soon to go home is bittersweet.
I had good memories here.
Yet, I realize, I do not belong here.
Last year, I am still not sure what I want to do next.
Now, I realize where shall I go next.
Obviously, I have decided, I will not stay here.
The only reason I would come back here is to be either work related or vacation.
Never felt so certain about this.

Before It Ends

Share your thoughts when I am still sharp

I don't answer when I lost my senses

Build me house when I am with you

I have gone when you bought me a marble coffin

Love me well when I still breathe

I couldn't feel anything when I left

Let's go places when I can move

I would not accompany you when I fell asleep

 

Make memories with me when I am here

I am unable to erase your regrets when I am there

Pray for me when I am alive

I have my fate sealed when I am dead

Photo by joanchristine

Growing up

You realiize you are growing up when you  have to witness people you love leave for eternity one by one