Reflecting my life, after all these years, now I am pretty much sure
that my biggest fear and weakness is rejection
It sometimes leads me also into paranoid state
It actually does not matter if the people who reject me
are those who are not close to me,
it actually makes me a little bit easy because
I do not feel attached to them.
However, the damage will be quite massive if the people
are those who I consider close to me
and when I think that I has lost my trust in them
due to their attitude,
I will tend to keep thinking negatively constantly
I know this is not good
But I can not deny it, once I lost it, I will be extremely sensitive towards
every single word or attitude from that person
My brain automatically analyzes it as if they have other hidden meaning
Weird, isn`t it?
I wonder if I have been that possessive towards people
that I am so insecure when loosing their attention?
Or is it maybe because, unconciously, I have been lonely, and
now should realize that I need a `soulmate`
to love and share with me?
........
Nah...
....
I`m not sure for the later reason.
Anyway,
Some friends have warned me not to think too much
They are right, whenever I think too much, my energy is drained,
and so is my focus. And that is not good.
But it happens.
I even have experienced literally exhausted only by thinking too much,
my brain feels like to explode anytime soon, so exhausting,
you just like want to shut down and sleep for a very long time
It is quite depressing actually,
since sometimes it only takes one simple moment, and my mind will race
into so many thoughts and feelings in no time; and when it is a bad moment
it is quite destructive for myself
Actually I have never been like this before,
Maybe that is because I live in a foreign country,
I feel like I have to be extra careful so I will not make any mistake
or things that might offend them.
Sometimes this works, sometimes not.
Sometimes I am too careful, I end up doing nothing
I am too busy hiding within myself thinking how should I act.
I have been in some trouble in socializing especially with particular person.
Misunderstanding is the main problem
I really want to act like I did.
Freely.
No assumption.
Not caring what other think.
But again, I guess, you can not do that since you live with other people
You should be sensitive towards each other, right?
although not overly.
As a stranger, you just want to feel accepted
although you have to realize, the place you are in now
is not a place where you belong,
so it is actually normal if you feel that you will never be a part of them
it is normal to feel that way
and it is not your fault.
Sometimes it does not always mean rejection.
No matter how hard you try to adjust,
in the end you are still a triangle among squares.
Sorry, my mind was racing away from the topic XD
anyway, I am pretty pissed of since satan really knows my weakness
and now he attacks me, quite often.
and the intensity is pretty much growing within this time.
for quite long time (uhm, almost two years, I guess)
in my faith, to encounter this kind of feeling
you have to believe in Jesus and
that only His overflowing love can fulfill your need of love
so whenever you feel rejected and therefore, not being loved,
you have to remember it and you have to be content
with His love.
That should be enough.
A very simple principle, hard to practice it T-T
particularly, when you are not in your comfort zone, where you are sure
you are among those who really care about you and love you
there is no other way to remind yourself.
