What`s next

What`s next?

Recently I have been bugged with this question

It seems like I do not have any new dream

There`s this sense of accomplishment and content,

I have to admit it is too fast to feel that way

since I even haven`t finished my thesis

The constant worry of me not being close to people so dear to me

when they are gone and being not able to bear the regret

prevent me from thoughts of continuing study or having career abroad

Dream vs Fear

I had claimed myself proudly as a dreamer who was actually working her ass off for her dreams in the past.
I made the dreams come true, well, not really,
actually it was not because of my strength,
it is only and only by God`s mercy,
He enabled me to pursue my life dream; studying abroad;  to my dream country, Japan.
It happens to be bigger than I thought and expect; doctoral course!
I  dreamed about living in Japan, studying science and all,
yet I have never dreamed about taking PhD course in my life, let alone, in Japan!
How many people got a chance studying abroad in their dream countries?

It was easy when I was very young back then
I knew what I wanted to do
And because of that, I knew what I had to do to achieve it.
The ideal dream, in which I do not consider anything else but my personal goal.
I was so focused, I did not really care about my family,
because basically I knew they would be fine.
The only thing I was afraid of was if they wanted to prevent me from achieving my dream.
I actually was not scared of failing,
I was very used to my application being rejected.
It was simple, if one fails, then, try again.

Recently, I questioned myself,
What is my dream now?
To be honest, I do not know anymore.
I have accomplished (almost) my childhood and teenage dreams.
I feel content yet incomplete.
Something is missing.
I realized I have not set any new long term goal for my life.

I am now bothered with question, ` what`s next?`
Also, with the fact that I have not done anything significant in contributing something for people`s sake.
I have these knowledge but I have not done make any valuable service to help others.
What kind of life I have if I do not use it to serve others?
Is not it what God wants me to do with my life?

Then, a close friend asked me, ` are you not going to pursue post doc?`
My heart said, `Of course I want to.`
But then, I am reminded of those sadness and regret I had when my godmother and my grandma`s sister passed away during my PhD course.
I do not want to loose anyone else dear to me while I am not close to them.
You might think I am exaggerating things.
But I can not help myself thinking I will have to get through that regret once more.
Just thinking about it now, makes me want to cry.
I am crying a little right now and trying to hold my tears, actually.
I pray every day God will have mercy on my parents and grandma to spare their lives
to see me succeed (and maybe get married)
I know it is silly, I mean, I might die first, right? If that is God`s plan.

In God, there should not be any fear.
Right now, I think fear prevents me from seeing what`s next for me
What is God`s plan for me?
Somehow, down the middle of the road, I think I am loosing my passion pursuing my dream to be a scientist.
Will I be happy being a scientist but can not be there when my family, people dear to me, needs me the most?
Will I be proud with the prestigious title, while I can not do anything for my family when they need me?

Dream vs Calling

I have always dreamed and was very sure that someday,
I will be a researcher, regardless in what kind of the field it will be
And here I am, ten years later, having my dream career as a researcher
It has been 3 years since I started it in one of the government`s ministry right now
However, it seems a little bit stuck right now
But being stuck is not a bad thing,
if you see from the other way around,
it makes you think
a lot

Another thing that makes me very passionate
talking and doing aside research world, are getting around
and supporting the teenagers with whatever they love and are good at
I feel like I have responsibilities (and burden)
to convince people around me
especially those younger than me, to find a dream
believe it, and like Agnes Monica always says,
make it happen.
Because dreams do come true.
It sometimes breaks my heart hearing a teen`s story
that they actually have a dream but their parents
do not believe it, not even give a chance
and sometimes, it can even affect their relationship
If only I i can do something for them

People says that one dream can develop or even change to another dream
People change careers in the middle of the road.
It comes then to my mind,
What if it happens also to me?
What if my previous dream which has been accomplished (in some part)
is actually a start for another new dream?
There are times I think I want to get involved more in educating teens,
but being a teacher is something that I fear the most,
in fact I do not want to be a teacher. It is way too heavy for me.
I do not dare to leave my pursuit being a researcher
but I still want to inspire and help teens to reach their dream too


I wonder, why God puts those thoughts in me
Is it also a calling?
Or have I misunderstood His calling?
What if my dream was wrong from the start,
There are times I think that is it my selfish dream,
not necessarily from God?
There was also a moment that struck me when I was talking to
one of my seniors and he said, how being scientists sometimes can be so inefficient,
you can not directly help people to be healthy or stay healthy
in the end, being a doctor or pharmacist will give a direct positive effect
Besides, you can not be a scientist without a passion to help patients
That moment, I was like, I have never actually thought of helping patients
through my career as a scientist,
I want to be a scientist, because I am interested and fascinated by science`s beauty
and if you have ever read my note in my FB, I want to be scientist
so I can testify to other scientists that God exists, and you can see God
through the beauty of science (sounds really cheezy,huh ? Regardless,  I do believe in it)
Hearing that from my senior who does not even believe in God
makes all of my motivation for dream sounds so selfish,
it does not even show a possibility I can become a blessing for others
(compared to being doctor or pharmacists or teachers or lawyers, for example)

I have not decided anything for now,
I think I just have to focus to finish what I have started
This is also my responsibility.
Hopefully, I will understand clearly someday

 j

just by looking this pic, my heart bursts and jumps to seehow young they are and how much potentials they can offer to you and how it needs to be dug out properly