I had claimed myself proudly as a dreamer who was actually working her ass off for her dreams in the past.
I made the dreams come true, well, not really,
actually it was not because of my strength,
it is only and only by God`s mercy,
He enabled me to pursue my life dream; studying abroad; to my dream country, Japan.
It happens to be bigger than I thought and expect; doctoral course!
I dreamed about living in Japan, studying science and all,
yet I have never dreamed about taking PhD course in my life, let alone, in Japan!
How many people got a chance studying abroad in their dream countries?
It was easy when I was very young back then
I knew what I wanted to do
And because of that, I knew what I had to do to achieve it.
The ideal dream, in which I do not consider anything else but my personal goal.
I was so focused, I did not really care about my family,
because basically I knew they would be fine.
The only thing I was afraid of was if they wanted to prevent me from achieving my dream.
I actually was not scared of failing,
I was very used to my application being rejected.
It was simple, if one fails, then, try again.
Recently, I questioned myself,
What is my dream now?
To be honest, I do not know anymore.
I have accomplished (almost) my childhood and teenage dreams.
I feel content yet incomplete.
Something is missing.
I realized I have not set any new long term goal for my life.
I am now bothered with question, ` what`s next?`
Also, with the fact that I have not done anything significant in contributing something for people`s sake.
I have these knowledge but I have not done make any valuable service to help others.
What kind of life I have if I do not use it to serve others?
Is not it what God wants me to do with my life?
Then, a close friend asked me, ` are you not going to pursue post doc?`
My heart said, `Of course I want to.`
But then, I am reminded of those sadness and regret I had when my godmother and my grandma`s sister passed away during my PhD course.
I do not want to loose anyone else dear to me while I am not close to them.
You might think I am exaggerating things.
But I can not help myself thinking I will have to get through that regret once more.
Just thinking about it now, makes me want to cry.
I am crying a little right now and trying to hold my tears, actually.
I pray every day God will have mercy on my parents and grandma to spare their lives
to see me succeed (and maybe get married)
I know it is silly, I mean, I might die first, right? If that is God`s plan.
In God, there should not be any fear.
Right now, I think fear prevents me from seeing what`s next for me
What is God`s plan for me?
Somehow, down the middle of the road, I think I am loosing my passion pursuing my dream to be a scientist.
Will I be happy being a scientist but can not be there when my family, people dear to me, needs me the most?
Will I be proud with the prestigious title, while I can not do anything for my family when they need me?
