Feeling Lost

Ok, here`s the thing
I am not that sad anymore
I guess the reason I still feel hurt
is not because I still love him
rather
it is because he has his happiness first with someone
After all hurtful feeling I have gained from him
(or because my thoughts about him)
plus his bride is quite more beautiful than me
(although my friend said I am way better than her,
hahaha, I want to believe her)
....
It feels a little bit unfair.
At least I should have gained from my tears
rather than him
But then again, it was just the ungrateful part of me

My friend agrees with me
rather than because of my heart
it is my pride that hurt due to this event
I am completely lost (in terms of loosing in a race)
Let`s just hope in the end, this all will be paid evenly
all of those tears
But let not be the way I want to
Let way that God wants to
until then, I will hold on what God said to Paul

[But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.]-- II Corinthians 12:9

Leaving My Heart Opened

He has entered my life unexpectedly
I had moved on from the previous shipwereck
and too afraid to open my heart
But then, his caring and kindness might attract me once again
and when I realized I have once again opened my heart
to another chance

I did not open my heart without any consideration
His friend, who is my friend too, told me,therefore, convinced me
that his friend likes me, adores me, but he does not want to loose me.
To him, he was nothing compared to me
As a man, he should provide for his spouse and family
And so, even he forced me to tell him that he has feeling for me
he will have nothing to offer for me
They were all not exactly his words, but my friend can read his mind,
and some came from his questions to my friend.
On the other side, he is a gentleman;
I want to believe he is

But on the other side, I am to tired to wait
I have enough with this uncertain stories of relationship
anymore
I am tired to be rejected,
catching false signs,
falling into some false hopes

Is leaving my heart opened too risky?
is it worth the probable good relationship
which might come?
or will it never come?
I was very confident that I can live myself
without any companion
It is my calling
At least, I thought, it was....

My friends said, you will never find out
until you open your heart to any possibilities
Yet, sometimes, for me, leaving my heart opened
might as well mean leaving my wound opened.
An almost cured recent wound
Which took one and half years to cure

It is much easier to close everything
to find comfort in God`s love
Besides, no human love can be equal like God`s
Does leaving your heart opened to someone else
mean God`s love is not for you?
Not enough, you still want someone loves you,
someone that physically real?
Do I now sound a little bit pathetic?

Hug

Today, Rita asked me if I had time to go to Tom`s place and deliver him
a simple birthday cake.
Aneta, his beloved fiancee, apparently had cooked great Polish dishes
We had a great time talking together
It was nice to finally can have a long English conversation with them
since I seldom speak English lately
The other thing that I really treasure (well I do not want to sound like
a freaky fettish or something) is the moment when we give a hug
as a greeting

Living in Japan where even touching a person is considered
to be rude and unusual,
you do not have a custom of shake hands,
let alone, hug or kiss in cheeks.
And i am getting used without one.
So, when finally I had one, it was a great warm feeling.
It made you feel like a human, not a robot :D
You can transfer your happiness and love to that person
I do not know how Japanese show their affection to other
aside bowing to each other.
Sometimes, I just want to hug my japanese friends,
telling how I love them and how they are valuable to me
or at least at special occasion.
But of course, I will not do that. I can not.

Just want to share that for today :D

I wish they have a free hug service out here

picture are taken from here