Romcom syndrome

I realized recently I have this romcom syndrome. I actually love this romantic comedy genre movies. I mean who doesn't love movies that not require you any deep thoughts and end in happy lovey dovey ending despite of the struggles the couples have? 

Regardless, I always have this uncomfortable feeling after watching these movies. I will slowly feel pathetic while comparing myself, who have been single for my entire life, with these stories and friends or colleagues who have married or in exclusive relationship.

These main girl characters, no matter how f up or overweight or insecure they are, will always some patient and cool dudes to save them in terms of loving them unconditionally. No matter how much these girls push them away, the guys would chase and fight for getting them back again. I have some sweet lovey dovey moments too, but they always ends up with me forcing my imagination to be true while actually most of them are all just one sided feeling. Either I was too young for any relationship, misunderstood completely the attention I receive, or the latest one, geographical barrier. In the end, I always fail in terms of relationship. I even think maybe I am not meant to have a soulmate. It's kind of ironic because back then I thought life's so good I do not even need any relationship. Heck, I can take care myself. I've been single for my whole live, I am not a failed person. I don't suffer or die because of being single. Why bother right?

When it sinks  perfectly i will feel lonely and be the unfortunate person in this world. I know it's ungrateful, right? I have people who love me unconditionally like my parents and family I have God who have literally died for me despite of me being a f up sinner. There are many people out there have to struggle to live day by day, fighting cancer, even have to survive war

I try to be positive about myself and concentrate on my achievements so far. Not everyone can actually be on where I am now. But, then, I will feel incomplete. I guess I am beginning to see a pattern here, these kind of movies triggers these pathetic thoughts. I don't blame romcom movies. I blame myself doing the same mistake. I am victimizing myself. I think I should never watch this genre, not until I am actually in a relationship. Or at least not until I get rid of my insecurity of being single.

Gosh, I think I need some detox now.

I think I should watch dexter later.

Leaving My Heart Opened

He has entered my life unexpectedly
I had moved on from the previous shipwereck
and too afraid to open my heart
But then, his caring and kindness might attract me once again
and when I realized I have once again opened my heart
to another chance

I did not open my heart without any consideration
His friend, who is my friend too, told me,therefore, convinced me
that his friend likes me, adores me, but he does not want to loose me.
To him, he was nothing compared to me
As a man, he should provide for his spouse and family
And so, even he forced me to tell him that he has feeling for me
he will have nothing to offer for me
They were all not exactly his words, but my friend can read his mind,
and some came from his questions to my friend.
On the other side, he is a gentleman;
I want to believe he is

But on the other side, I am to tired to wait
I have enough with this uncertain stories of relationship
anymore
I am tired to be rejected,
catching false signs,
falling into some false hopes

Is leaving my heart opened too risky?
is it worth the probable good relationship
which might come?
or will it never come?
I was very confident that I can live myself
without any companion
It is my calling
At least, I thought, it was....

My friends said, you will never find out
until you open your heart to any possibilities
Yet, sometimes, for me, leaving my heart opened
might as well mean leaving my wound opened.
An almost cured recent wound
Which took one and half years to cure

It is much easier to close everything
to find comfort in God`s love
Besides, no human love can be equal like God`s
Does leaving your heart opened to someone else
mean God`s love is not for you?
Not enough, you still want someone loves you,
someone that physically real?
Do I now sound a little bit pathetic?