Fighting My Own Thoughts

After long, I think I found my weakness, and the hardest part of this is that I have to admit
I am in the verge of this close to become my mother;
Negative Thinking

This morning an event triggered my negative thinking again
He gave something (that I do not want to know) to his new assistant and a co-worker,
but not me
I know, I should not be jealous or angry about it
I should not expect anything
Then my thoughts raced and before I can stop, it developed into negative thoughts,
lonely thoughts
that this person only be kind only when he knows he will need people`s help
that to him, it is not important to be nice to people that he does not need any longer
that to him, it is normal to throw away a relationship,
that he does not want to be related with me whatsoever
that he only acts nice to me in front of Sensei, so he will see that we do not have any issues,

or, even when my sensei knows the real problem, that it is not him that causes the problem,
but me

that I can not understand Japanese people.
that I tried very hard to understand them, why they can`t understand me, at least try!
I am not Japanese, do not expect me to act like one.
.

On the other hand, he can be so nice and some times I feel that they were genuine.
In very small numbers.
Like when I have to go back to Indonesia, and I did not, at first, tell him anything.
Only told Sensei. I did not know whether Sensei asked him to help me or he saw the condolence envelope
from my Sensei at my desk. Nevertheless, at that time, I can feel his genuine kindness.
Sometimes it feels so fake.

Then again, my logic told me, they were all in my mind
And you can not label people based on what you feel or think,
You are not even allowed to label or judge people.
It will bring no good to have negative thinking on people,
It definitely makes things worse.
And the fact that I will not be a Japanese, they to can not be Indonesian,
so I can  not expect them to act like Indonesian people.
And when it seems to be impolite for Indonesian people, it might not the case for Japanese;
so, I  too, should not be easily offended.
I know I have to stop
but the hurt feels real in my heart.
The only thing that makes me sane is to remember that God loves me,
that although, it might be true if he does not like me anymore,
It should not take my happiness and joy from my life.
he is not my source of happiness.
God is.

Fighting your own thoughts can be such a toll
I hope God gives me more strength to bear it
and to survive this battle.
I hope I can get out from this battle stronger, so maybe,
in the future, I can help those who have the same problem like me

One month

It has been one month since she left forever

I still automatically says her name (and oma ota's name) in my prayer;

I just realized that I do not have recent photo with her; a little bit regret remained in my heart

`Unofficial` Mothers

As you knew, I just lost two women that played important role in my life.

A grandmother (my grandmother`s sister)

and an Aunty...moreover, A godmother.

While my sister can make tributes to them beautifully

I found myself could not do it.

I felt a slight guilt about it.

But, today, I think the only thing that I can do and I want to do is

pondering on their lives.

Until they finally met their God, they are not married.

Despite of that, they have been a terrific mother to me, my sisters, and cousins.

Silently, Oma Ota, in her absence of words, only voices,

She has served the family with all of her might

I and her sometimes had a fight, maybe because she and I did not understand each other, most of the times, 

because of her disability and my impatience.

She cared about us,

She helped right about everything 

about household matters,

looking after the children, while our parents out working,

making sure we eat our food.

washing the clothes,

ironing,

making up our bed

especially when the maid were out of town for the Ied vacation.

She can not hear us, yet, she understood our needs; with or without gestures,

She was the queen of neat, sometimes we even got trouble in finding our things because she already make all of the things stored so it will not be that messy.

On the other hand, Mama Grace, has been a vibrant career woman,

She has served the family with laughter, words, and even songs.

As my sister said, she has been a cool aunt for us

She has been our `running place` when we were not in a good mood with our own mother,

We told her our secrets (although probably she would tell her sister about those things xD )

She took us to cool places

To me (and I think to my sisters and cousins too), she is our role model

Personally, at some point, I really want to be like her

I do not even mind if I will not get married,

I want to be like her,

my friend, even said, she has been her role model also.

a living proof, that even without any relationship, she survived the pressure of being unmarried

Even to her subordinates, she was like their mother, protecting them yet nurturing them

with hard way, making them stronger.

Their lives made me think

You do not have to be married to be a mother

If you are married and can be a mother, good for you!

And I do not discredit every biological mother in this world, including my own mom. 

But I want to give the high credit, as high as towards all the biological mother,

to all 'unofficial' mothers in the world

They who are not married

yet, have been serving others, consciously or unconsciously,

As a mother

Women who are not  married yet

  give ears to those who needs to be heard

  give advices to those who are in doubtful situation

 let their nieces stay overnight after having fights with their loved ones

 encourage their ordinates to overcome the obstacles and always at their best in doing their responsibilities

 serve with songs

 serve in silence

 pray everyday for people they love

 are very annoying when their nieces haven`t got new dresses for some special occasions

 buy presents for the family members during Christmas

 get angry when you do not do your homework, get home late, being irresponsible, or even, when you have annoying hairstyle.

To those `unofficial` mothers in this world,

Be proud!

Society might underestimate or mock you because you have not married yet,

People might accuse you of being putting standard too high,

too busy chasing your career,

too fool to turn down the marriage offer from someone you know is not for you

too selfish

Well, they can say whatever they want

But they can not take away

your unconditional love

your people who love you for your sacrifice you have done for them

Always remember,

You are always loved.

God bless you. 

Detach and go

Back then, I was so stupid
I thought that, when you try and as much as you can speak Japanese
and often speak to other lab mates, try to be close to them,
eventually you will be recognized as one of them.
Apparently, in the end, it is not the case
(or was it, it is not always the case?)
As what I have shared about things that somebody have already posted,
the truth is, you will always be the outsiders and aliens.
It seems and sounds sad
But, from what I have experienced,
Crying, regretting or even, forcing entering that socially established structure
will never get you being accepted as one of them.
Worse, it might not help you achieving your own goal while you were there.
So, what I have decided and been doing recently is,
detach from the group, do my work, go home, and hang out with other circles.

Unlike, in Indonesia, when you enter one work circle,
it is important to be the part of the circle, therefore, you will get your work done nicely.
I think, even a foreign worker, if he/she can speak Indonesian,
do like what Indonesian do, it is highly possible to be admitted as part of the group.
There might be little groups within that group, however, there is  a feeling of
belong to this general group.
From what I heard, Indonesians are known to be very friendly and warm,
I think it is in our nature, to us, it is natural
for foreign people, probably for Japanese, such treatments will be highly appreciated,
since they might not found in their own country, in which, hierarchy and
the fact that you have the same nationality are things that get them into each other
Outsiders will always be the outsiders, no matter what the outsiders do.

Therefore, if you go to Japan and stay for quite long time,
my best advices would be,
1. showing all of your personality is useless, here, the more important is identity as a group,
show what is necessary, other things unrelated, keep it for yourself or for your foreign friends.
2. do your BEST work, good is never enough. And keep it constant. They might seem not care about you, but behind your back, they watch you closely,  they test you without even letting you know. (this is why also I said to you the first point)
3. be nice and polite in appropriate level. Do not expect if you are friendly to them, they will also do the same. Do not expect, they will get closer to you, when you try to get closer to them.
4. after you have done your work, get out. You might hang out with them a couple of times, again, it will not be a guarantee you are considered as one of them.
5. hang out with other circles. This circle only work out for your professional goals. It is not for making friends. If you have friends (a REAL one), good for you! it is a bonus! Be thankful for it. If you do not have, stop regretting, get out and find other circles.
6. do not worry if you can not speak japanese, even if you can speak japanese, it is not a guarantee, you will be accepted for what you are. Do not be discouraged. If this place can no handle you, there are still other countries (and your own country) will welcome you.

Leaving My Heart Opened

He has entered my life unexpectedly
I had moved on from the previous shipwereck
and too afraid to open my heart
But then, his caring and kindness might attract me once again
and when I realized I have once again opened my heart
to another chance

I did not open my heart without any consideration
His friend, who is my friend too, told me,therefore, convinced me
that his friend likes me, adores me, but he does not want to loose me.
To him, he was nothing compared to me
As a man, he should provide for his spouse and family
And so, even he forced me to tell him that he has feeling for me
he will have nothing to offer for me
They were all not exactly his words, but my friend can read his mind,
and some came from his questions to my friend.
On the other side, he is a gentleman;
I want to believe he is

But on the other side, I am to tired to wait
I have enough with this uncertain stories of relationship
anymore
I am tired to be rejected,
catching false signs,
falling into some false hopes

Is leaving my heart opened too risky?
is it worth the probable good relationship
which might come?
or will it never come?
I was very confident that I can live myself
without any companion
It is my calling
At least, I thought, it was....

My friends said, you will never find out
until you open your heart to any possibilities
Yet, sometimes, for me, leaving my heart opened
might as well mean leaving my wound opened.
An almost cured recent wound
Which took one and half years to cure

It is much easier to close everything
to find comfort in God`s love
Besides, no human love can be equal like God`s
Does leaving your heart opened to someone else
mean God`s love is not for you?
Not enough, you still want someone loves you,
someone that physically real?
Do I now sound a little bit pathetic?

It is what it is

Pretty much sums up what I have experienced during my study here

http://www.thejapanrants.com/blog/working-with-japanese-people/

God's Message: Righteousness and Priority

I want to share you some great messages I got from attending the mass service in Jubilee Church while I was in South Korea; it was great I want to share in this blog!

the main reading was from Matthew 5:6; and talk about hunger and thirst about righteousness;

1. Nothing in this world can satisfy your sole appetite aside God. Admit and recognize you are a sinner, and you need His grace and love to survive. The hunger and thirst in this verse not about mid hungry for the next meal; it's about if you dont get it, you will die

2. Righteousness is not about doing right thing, is about having right relationship ( right relationship) , in this case, esp with God.
Listening is the key

3. Fulfilling your hunger and thirst to righteousness does not replace your other hunger; it replaces other hungers in the appropriate places. Esp; if you want to pursue famousity, after recognizing God, you want to make God famous through your life