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Monday, September 23, 2013

Beautiful Goodbye

I actually wanted to forget this
But, I decided to write this since to me
yesterday was a special day.
And I learnt a lot about how others think about love.

Finally, the universe cooperated with us since each time we meet,
it was always raining.
He joked about that to me.
However, as a compensation, I got a flat tire and the indonesian restaurant was closed

The flat tire made his plan to go to Bizan cancelled
but the way he really thought and tried to repair my bicycle tire made me impressed.
And very flattered.
He went here and there and got his hands dirty to repair my bicycle`s tire

So, we went to the church
than had some lunch
while searching for bicycle shop, we found a small ice cream cafe
and had a big fruit parfait.
We just chatted some light conversation
then when a family entered the cafe and he saw me looking into some cute child,
he asked me whether I am thinking about marriage.
Then we went into some deeper conversation.
and some debate about saying your own feeling and long distance relationship

He asked which one I will choose, if I were a girl,
Having someone who like you never told you his feeling or having someone said his real feeling but then
leave you back into his country
I said to him, how i am supposed to know he liked me if he never said,
even though that guy showed that he liked me, I do not want to expect anything
I had bad experience about guys that being nice to every girls.
I do not want to take any conclusion of he really likes me. I made my mistakes.
If i were that girl if the man said his real feeling, at least, the girl will finally know that the man has the same feeling to her and the relationship might really have a chance to grow.
If they can have a good communication they will have known each other and when they meet
they can continue the relationship not from zero. They can save their years in knowing each other.
He asked, `during that time, will not you fall in love with another guy?`
`I said, if I have committed to him, I will not fall in love to another guy.`
Then he asked, `what if the man fall in love with other girl?`
then it hit me.
He might probably wanted to struggle the real problem
He might choose the easiest way.
A slight disappointment.
He finally said to me his really feeling
`To tell you the truth, you are special to me, you have beautiful eyes, I love you but I can`t say to you
because saying I love you means to me I have a responsibility to provide you with a stable family.`
He continued,
`It will be tiring for you to love me, and me to love you. And a good relationship should make people relax and not tired.`
I was speechless.

Later, we had to bite our tongue since ASLI closed.
We choose another restaurant.
I gave him his last present
We were not talking that much
then he said, `Do you want to tell me something before I leave?`
Then I finally admitted that I started to like him
but then I said that however I can not say I love you because I haven`t known him much
and neither has him.
He was surprised yet then said he was happy to hear that from me directly.
But then again he told me that our relationship was impossible.
I also asked him whether he saw me in the future with him
but he probably misunderstood me by telling me that it is still possible to see me in the future
because he is planning to visit Indonesia and Japan when he has holiday.
but then again, judging from what he has told me, I understand he still can not see
he will spend the rest of his life to be with with me.
then I said to him, that we might not destined to be together,
he might be destined to be with other girl and he will be a lot happier with her wife in china
he said the same to me
we made each other promise if one of us get married we will send each other our picture.
we laughed at how awkward that conversation became.

Unexpectedly, he asked me, `have you ever touched a boy`s hand?`
`Aside shaking hands of course,` he laughed.
I said no, he offered his hand
I was hesitated, but then I gave him my hand
He said softly, `I am thankful to God that I have met you. It has been a great 6 months since I met you.`
I was too afraid to even look at him and
I was actually still in awe how for the first time I got my hand hold by someone aside my father.
`Me too.`
We hold hands for a while.
It feels tragic since this is the first time we hold our hands but knowing that will be the last
since after that we have to say goodbye.
And we decided to end our story there.

I console myself by thinking
even if we force this relationship we might ended up divorcing
and it might not end well either.
so this is the right way
it`s sad but it`s right.
And he might have some point,
saying I love you is not just a matter of saying the feeling that we feel this very moment.
saying I love you will mean saying the feeling we feel forever to someone
And when we are not sure about that (or to me, we do not think it`s worth the struggle)
we should have never said it.
because it will break someone`s heart when we can not prove that our feeling will never change in the end.

Anyway, I still mourn over this
yet at the same time I feel happy
remembering the good memories we spent together.
I hope my emotion will be stable within this week.
I have been thinking to cut every possible communication with him
in this stage, my feeling towards him might still grow if I communicate with him
even after he go back to China.
He asked me how to contact me when he is in China
I said to him I will ask my friend.
But then, I might will cancel that also.
It is better for me (and hopefully) for him to cut this off.
I can forget him easily since I do not have to see or know any info about him anymore.
besides, if he is really for me someday with the help of God,
he or I will find a way to meet each other and settle down.
If not, well, at least, it was a beautiful goodbye.




I should have learnt from The Corrs hahahaha

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