Being Diva (Original Quotes)

` I come here to study. I am not making friends.
Even if my friends number increases, it`s a blessing.
And if I can`t be friends with several people, well, it`s not my fault.
Never be my goal.`

If being cold and ignorant is needed to survive this, then, I will be that kind of person,
but only for him

                                               picture is taken from here

Remembering My Name

After having a fuc**d up moment last night,
I decided, I started to consider for a professional help,
you know, psychotherapist or sort
But, I do not know where can I find this kind of service here,
let alone those who can really speak and understand English very much.
So I decided to ask one of lab staff about contact person.
She asked me what happened
I said, I was thinking about ways of suicide last night

She then told me, I was not the only person
who have experienced this kind of thing
One of my senior once had it.
Then, she told me she had that thing too
but she met her husband and she could cope with it
In my mind, I was like, ` You are saying, I have to find a husband??`
Then, she stressed out, I had that kind of experience
because I did not have someone to go home here
You can not rely on those who work together with you
They will go from you someday

Our conversation then brought us to an AHA moment for me
She said, `Do not forget about who you are and
why you are here. Things were great at first, you started
to forget and drifted away. This experience makes you realize
why you are here on the first place.`
It was a slap at my face.
She carried on, `You know Sen to Chihiro Kamikakushi *?
You are Chihiro, you went to the new world, Japan,
but you started to forget your own name. Do not forget your real name.
My name is Lorinda. I am an Indonesian.
 I go here to study. If you forget,
you will never come back to where you belong. In your country,
everyone is waiting for you. Focus on them. Finish this and
get out from here as fast as you can.`
She`s right, those obstacles and difficulties are alarm to myself
that I am drifting away from my previous goal.

It reminded me also a message I received from God through
my daily private devotion this morning.
 A story about Balaam, the angel, and the donkey.
God sent His angel to prevent Balaam for taking the wrong way.
Even his donkey becomes his obstacle to go to where he wants.
The main point is sometimes people forget that not every obstacles
are meant to be crossed over, sometimes they are,
provided by God, to prevent you from the unseen danger.
Those obstacles are made by God to prevent you from the wrong way.
Until now, I have been frustrated because of some problems who
seems not going anywhere to be better.
They remain as obstacles that I think I will never get through it.
Then, I realized, as God has shown me through the Bible,
they are most likely not to be climb through.
they might as well as to be left alone.
God will show me the exact path He wants me to walk in.
Now, that is a beautiful confirmation!

Cutter

So my mind was pretty much fu**ed up today,
i was ok in the morning
but then start from the afternoon,
the feeling of loneliness started to take over my mind
eventhough I tried hard not to and praid to God
I lost it when I saw them acting not care about me
(call me attention bitch, i don`t care)
It got worse when one of my friend said that he was going home
while i know those two were already gone, probably gone drinking
I might misunderstood thinking they went together
WITHOUT me
I have been used to with both of them going together with other senseis
but, with him and without me?
It was like, I feel alienated once more
And suddenly I feel so sick of being a foreigner
being left out
I let those thinking seeps in when I saw this cutter
And I was starting to play with it, while imagining
what will happen if I cut my artery and how to do it efficiently
for about one hour or so while three of them talking at the other room
I knew it was stupid
but I did
For the first time, I feel like Rin felt,
Wanting to do a suicide
Thank God, I did not do that
but I am afraid now.
Something wrong with me
I think I need a psychiatrist or something
On the top of all,
I need Jesus Christ to heal my wounds...

Comparison

Do not compare yourself to others; no one walks on the same pathway

Pride

Fate be changed, look inside.  Mend the bond torn by pride --The witch, BRAVE

Yesterday, me and my friends spend time together watching two movies; BRAVE and Les Miserables (Musical Version). They were great. But BRAVE touched me the most :D The reason was that it reminded me of my teenage. It made me almost cry here and there, and, inevitably, miss my own mom. I will not go on with the review. Instead, I want to write about what the movie emphasizes on pride.

Merida and her mom`s conflict reminds me a lot of me and my mom`s conflict especially 10 years ago. Both have their own pride They were too busy defending their pride but then they fall into a problem since they refuse to listen to each other.
I think having a pride is not a bad thing. It helps you to overcome your insecurity or doubt in doing something.. But then again, when it comes to how it affects your relationship with others, it is a whole different story.
Like Merida, I can be so frustrated with how sometimes my mom was too busy thinking about family`s pride than listening her own children`s feeling about something. I want to pursue my dream. My mom did not allow it. It was so difficult to make sure to your parents that I can do things I am proud of and I want to do. I am also confident that my mom can be sometimes frustrated with me acting I have known everything already and do not want to receive any suggestions from her in making decisions. Later, I realized, she only wanted the best for me. She just did not want to see me failing and tried to find a safer way for me so I will not be hurt by own decision. But, we did not communicate our real feeling because we have our own pride.
As a result, we argue and fight.
But then, thankfully, it did not go on long.
Pride might lead you to make yourself the center of the world, forcing people to understand you
and do things as you want to
Pride could blind you and make you do fool things in order to maintain it.
Pride might prevent you from trying to walk in others` shoes.
Eventually, pride indeed can torn a bond that once was tied tightly.
And you have to mend the bond before you lost it forever.
The movie shows that the broken bond torn by pride can be mend,
but it has to be mended quickly or you might loose the bond and person you love.
And it can only be mended by love.

Honey Boo Boo

picture was taken from wikipedia

I realized that up until now, my posts have been very gloomy and distressful. So to balance things up, I decided to post something with cheerful atmosphere instead. Here comes Honey Boo Boo has been one of my fave entertainment show, pretty much helps me to forget my problems for a while.

I have to admit, watching here comes Honey Boo Boo is my new guilty pleasure. Well, actually, it is not a guilty pleasure now. It changes to be a must watch! XD First, I was a little bit suspicious with this reality show. I heard it once from Atlanta radio, and how the casts talk in English with very thick southern accent, people have to add subtitle to clarify what they are saying. And, the main idea of this show was cheezy. I mean, a reality show about a girl and her mom chasing a beauty queen title? Plus, I am one of those who thinks that children pageants sometimes can be too `mature`. How do you measure child`s beauty when they were all having make up on their faces??? Doesn`t it look like adults trying to overexploit their own children? Some people out there also criticize this show as very unhealthy and rude show since in some scenes they show how Mama provided unhealthy meal or drink to her children or how they curse each other freely. Talking about parents setting bad example to their children. Moreover, the appearance of honey boo boo`s uncle who openly admits he is gay, which will be a problem for people that are very fundamentalist not being open minded about it. (Note: I am against homosexual and gay marriage, but, personally, I do not have problem with people being gay; I disagree with their life choice, but I still appreciate the people).
But there are amazing character that each of the family members show making this particular show feels warm and show the real meaning of being a family. So, here`s what I learn from these beautiful Thompson family;

1. Alana `Honey Boo Boo` Thompson


This cute chubby little girl really has her dream set in very early age. She has this goal. She works for it. She is very confident. I mean, how many chubby girls out there have this kind of confidence given the social standard of being beautiful is being petite. She loves her own image. She got the attitude. Yet, she is still a little child whose sometimes can be upset and simply want to have fun and play. Although she has her eyes on the crowns, she still cares about her family. She collected as many candies as she can so she can give them to Pumpkin who had to stay in bed in halloween night. She agreed to cancel her schedule going to pageant because the family has to bring Chickadee to give birth Baby Kaitlyn. When, she was asked whether she was upset since she can not go to the pageant. She answered, yes, she was upset. But, there are still many pageants she can go. She understand, in her capacity of being just 7 years old, there are things that more important than beauty pageants. She even gladly prepared presents for Baby Kaitlyn.

2. June `Mama` Shannon
Despite of some rude expression she often said in the show and some careless gesture of being a Mom, I think she is just being a real Mom. She is not trying to be perfect mom. Yet, she is always there for her children. She is very supportive in helping Honey Boo Boo to make her dream come true. She is the one who always cheers the loudest whenever Honey Boo Boo appears on the stage. She was so caring when Chickadee being in labor or when Pumpkin got sick. She does a good job managing the money to afford as many family necessities as she could. She is always happy. She appreciate the value of making happy memories as a family. She is not thinking about herself and not taking so much fuss about her own appearance. She also has this confidence of woman with big curve (although I am not a fan of being obese for health reason only) which I think decent to Honey Boo Boo character.

3. Lauryn `Pumpkin` Shannon, Jessica `Chubbs` Shannon, and Anna `Chickadee` Pumpkin
They sometimes fight with each other but they are also very caring and supportive in helping Honey Boo Boo in every pageant. There was this scene of them that awed me. So, Alana is going to have her birthday party, and they were not that rich to buy presents. They decided to go to Mama`s daily needs storage and found some soap and food and wrap them as a present for Honey Boo Boo. Usually, some children will not be so excited seeing that kind of present. It was too simple. But, Honey Boo Boo said she was happy getting presents from her sisters, because she knew they gave from their heart.They look up and appreciate Mama`s boyfriend as Dad. They accept Honey Boo Boo as their family although she has different father.



4. Mike `Sugar Bear` Thompson.
He reminds me of my own father. He loves Mama so much. Although, Mama was still doubtful to marry him, he still stays for 9 years with her. He loves all of the children, although, biologically speaking, only Honey Boo Boo who is the only daughter he has with Mama. Others come from different father. When he has some day off, he did not spend it just for himself, he took time to just being around with his children. My favorite episode is when Sugar Bear took Honey Boo Boo out for some quality time of father and daughter. What a precious moment! He also supports Honey Boo Boo doing her thing. Giving her encouragement words and give appreciation and acknowledgement when she actually won something.



All in all, what I like the most from this show is that all of the members are just being themselves. They are not fake. They appreciate, love and accept each other. They show how a family should be without lecturing the audience. In addition, I do not know whether honey boo boo and her family principally against homosexual or not, but the fact that they accept Uncle Poodle the way he is without being so judgemental (they were sometimes make fun of him or being cynical about him being gay, but then, they always accept him whenever he comes, they even invited him for family occasions), is another plus point for others to learn that people are different, but that does not make they do not deserve any loving gesture from their family. I just hope that as fame and money they gain grow quickly, they will not change the purity of these characters in the future.

Happiness

Just got a random thought,
which one is important, your own happiness or everybody`s happiness?
Well, you probably would say, you can not make everybody happy
That is true.
You will only drain your energy just to make everyone happy.
but, does that mean, your own happiness is less important than others?
How are you supposed to live to the fullest if you are not happy at all?
Until what level, you can be happy without fearing of being considered as an egoist?

I do not know about another country`s culture
(although I think this will apply to in other countries),
but in my country, it seems everybody`s happiness is a priority
so if you do things that does not make everyone happy,
it will make you feel guilty about it
and some people would not hesitate to let you know about it.
Sometimes, you have to sacrifice your own happiness in order to make everyone`s happy.
Thus, everything will go smoothly for everyone.
At least, at the surface.

Some friends say to me, you only live once
Stop worrying whether people around you will be happy or not
with your choices,
just think about making your life happy,instead.
But, then, don`t you think it is quite selfish to do that?
how if your choice make others suffer?
or simply not happy?
is it totally your fault?
or is it their own problem?

picture is taken from here

Moving On (is so difficult)

It is almost one and half year now

but the wound still feel fresh

whenever I remember those sad events

the hurt that I feel is always the same

even worse

The more I try to push it and sink it down

it always comes up, floating,

The more I feel the sadness

I have never experienced this kind of sadness

in my lifetime

even if I have problem with some people

I managed to solve it, or maybe because

the time and space took their part in my healing time

I start to think that I have these symptoms 

of chronic depression

It can not come off out of me

I tried to talk it out with the one that cause me the problem

it did not work

I wrote what I felt in blog 

so I can throw those bad feelings and thinkings and

do not have to leave them in my heart and brain

It did not work

I asked for advice from people that I trust

It did not work

I pray to God

but it seemed not working either

or maybe I have lost my faith and let myself consumed

with those sad memories

I tried to be happy,

not to be close to the source problem

I build walls

I played games

I went out with my friends and made new friends

in hope I can forget everything

I took day off so I did not have to meet the problem source

Even if it seemed to work

it worked only when I was not around the problem source

The thing is, I have to be around the problem source

like, everyday, literally,

we are in the same room

And every time we meet, I feel hurt again.

I am waiting for the day that I do not have to be around 

not too close

not seeing the problem source

so I can concentrate to heal myself (with God`s help of course)

In time like this, I wish I was heartless

not caring about other think or feel about me

I just wish the source problem understand my feeling and burden 

that I carry now

Or...

am I the egoist one?

Do I force the source problem to understand my feeling without trying to understand how the problem source feel?

We have already talked but it seemed we will never understand each other

it seemed everything that we do to each other will be misunderstood

I know I have to stop thinking about this

I wish I could

I can not

I am quite desperate now

I wish I could move on with my life

the problem source is not my center of joy

God should be the center of my joy and life

I failed to put the later to be my center

God help me....

Christian Fellowship

One thing that I miss the most of living in a country with just a few of christians is the fellowship.
As a country with most of the people do not think religion is a must, Japan only has few christians and therefore, church. Nevertheless, the government still allow christians to do worship and related activities.

I am thankful I still can go to church. But again, I still feel that different culture and language makes the fellowship fall flat. Especially, in my church, there is no english service. So, I pretty much have to struggle to get deeper understanding when the priest read his/her devotion. Usually, I end up with catching basic and conceptual point without any significant development.
Also, since most of the church attendees are grandmas and grandpas; I can not find friends with similar age. Practically, there is no such fellowship like in my country; Teruna or Pemuda. First, it did not bother me.

Then, I realized, without any fellowship, I can not grow. I feel my faith is walking in circle.
Even worse, slightly but sure, I started to feel empty and hungry.
Most of the times, I forgot the feeling of how I was full of joy and satisfied with my fellowship with God and my peers. Praying and supporting each other.
I still can communicate with my fellowship friends in Indonesia via internet.
But it still does not feel the same.
I fear I will be taken away by this stream of ignorance of God and the fellowship with Him and His followers.
Here, you have to remind yourself. No one watches.
If you do not guard your way, you will be drifted away.
Private devotion is important but so is fellowship with others.
It helps you to remember that you are not alone following Christ
you are not the only one who struggles to defend your faith from
Satan and its deceitful ways.
And it makes you to feel that you are actually useful to build other`s life
that you belong to some place.

However, I can not give up.
Being here is my choice and I have to bear the consequences that come with it
I pray that God will give me strength to bear the burden
I feel inside
I am looking forward the day I come home and be around you,guys....

10 things I hate about socializing in Japan

The longer you stay abroad, the more you will see the gloomy side of that country

Although that country has become your dream country in your life,

its culture might surprise you once you get deeper into it.

I have to thankful to this one person, whom from him, I learnt the true face of the culture of this place.

As a `gaikokujin` aka stranger in this country, firstly, I entered the stage of amazement,

where everything seemed so beautiful and so much better compared to my original country

But, then, after about 2.5 years living here, I found things that I hate, again, I do not hate the people, I just can not comprehend how they are accustomed to these things.

1. You do not express your own feeling to everyone except (probably) your own family

No matter how pissed off or sad you are, you are not allowed to show it. You just have to suck it up and act normally. Well, it sounds professional and nothing wrong about it, but here, people take it to a different level. 

If you feel something wrong and you are not comfortable with how your partner act, no matter how close he/she has been and no matter how long have you worked with him/her, you do not confront that. Confronting someone`s attitude means attacking the person him/herself to them.

To me, and I think to everybody else outside this country, confronting someone`s attitude is meant to confirm whether what I perceive is wrong or true and to discuss together what we can do to make it better and more comfortable for both parties so the teamwork can be more effective. However, apparently, this thing can not be accepted by this person. Maybe because he is older than me (although he claimed that we are equal in terms of position because we are, quote on quote, friend, by his term). Actually I do not want to bring this up, but I stand by the fact that we were quite close that time and that I just want to clarify everything up so I do not live with my own presumption and so does he and we can understand each other more, and there will be no more misunderstanding. We then reached some conclusion, I thought I made sure I made my point and understand his point of view. In fact, nothing changed, which frustrated me. I tried to bring this thing up again after considering many things. We reached decision. But then, nothing changed. Then, I conclude, OK, we probably will not ever understand each other. Discussion will not bring any changes. It even made things worse since ever since, our relationship   grows very distant. He probably hated me. I just have to accept that, suppress my concerns as deep as I can, and act like everything is great. Fake it until you make it.

2. If you concern about someone`s condition (even if that person is your friend), you do not ask the person directly, you discuss it with your other friends or stalk their social account.

This particular point is the point I hate the most. I mean seriously, if you care with someone, you talk to them. You do not just go quietly in front of that person and then talk to others that who do not even know them well than you do or that have nothing to do with that person. It seems so fake. To me, it seems to be very fake. `Oh, I am worried about her/him; do you know what happened to him/her?`; `Do you know what she/he writes on her/his status?`. Well, let me tell you something, THAT is gossiping, not caring. IT IS PRETENDING you care, where actually you do not care. If you do really care,YOU TALK TO THEM; NOT TALKING ABOUT them. Do you see the difference????Gosh! sorry for that sudden emotion. I just can not stand it. And trust me, I tried to tell this to my `friend`, he did not comprehend me.

3. Friendship in work place is made in order to hinder you from any problem and to achieve your own goal. Once you done with it and find a new one, you do not need to be friend with them anymore.

Once your work with your designated team is done, so is your `friendship`. I use quote on quote friendship since their definition of friendship is quite different with my culture`s. You do not have to feel obliged to remain friends although your previous work made you and your co-worker close  to each other. You can practically `throw` them away and act like you are strangers to each other. So it is pretty much, you acted really sweet to the newcomer, once you are done with them, you just `throw` them away, and go on with the next newcomer. Eventhough, you are in the same team, but since you do not work together literally anymore, you are not considered as his/her friend anymore.

In my country that is a term of `tali silahturahmi`, in english, it is probably closer with string of friendship, to maintain although you are not in the same project (or is it because I am too naive???) especially if you really become a good friend. It is so rude to act like you do not have any relationship between your previous co-worker. This thing really amazes me since, again, I realized how fake can your friendship be here. And to the fact how this particular country, based on my observation on its movies and animes revolve around,  really adores a principle of how important friend is. Also, in my culture,  since we have known each other, sometimes it becomes more than just friends, but family. So, eventhough we do not work on the same project since we are in the same team, we are still considering each other as friends. 

4. Outer image is everything

One thing that this country is really good about is imaging and packaging. They are pretty much good in making something that is actually simple to be so beautiful. They can even make diorama, figure, or any replica so similar with its natural version. Then, I realized how obsessive they are with beauty outside, it also manifests in how they interact with people. What important is what people outside see not what actually happen. Pretty much you can not believe what lies on the surface 100 per cent. They can look very happy or nice in front of you but they might talk behind your back.

Physical appearance also matters. Most of the girls can not go outside her house without wearing any make up. My friend said, if you do not use make up going to office, you are considered to be rude. 

You are judged as diligent or lazy merely from when do you go to work and when do you come home. If you go work early in the morning and come home lately, you are diligent. Although half of the day you spend it to browse facebook, streaming videos, or playing internet games and then you decide to go home fast so you can go drinking with your friends, you are still considered diligent as long you are seen to be seriously concentrating on your PC screen and arrive at home very late.

5. People do not like confrontation, as much as they can, they will always avoid that to happen.

It is pretty much like no.2. If people have some kind of problem facing with your attitude, they choose to be silent about it. They do not confront you or complain straight to you, they keep silent, and...talk behind you. And so, the problem still exist and no solution. But for them, maintaining a fake peace with you is better than confronting the problem and get it done once for all. They do not want confirm anything. They live with their own judgement and assumption, which pretty much, can be frustrating especially for strangers that has different culture and custom with them (such as me). The thing that I hate that is because even when they say, `you do not have to feel like you are a stranger because you are the same like us`, they actually still see you as a stranger. And although they know you are a stranger and not a japanese, they want you to adjust with their act, to act like them or else you are considered to be rude. I mean, seriously, I am a gaikokujin. I have different culture and upbringing. I will never be a japanese, give me a break, try to put your foot in my shoes just for once!

7. Too much `basa basi` (hard to find the english word for this one, the closer one is probably small talk)
In my country, there is also this kind of appropriate small talk, but we do it appropriately. We do not comment on weather every time we meet someone to start a talk like every single day. We do not comment how good our food we eat every 10 minutes with the same word. It looks like, here, people are too difficult to think about what do they want to talk when they hang out, they comment on what we consider in our country `unnecessary`. It really sounds to be too forced.

8. As long as they are cute and look weak, they are more likeable
I don`t get the concept why most of the woman has to raise their tone in talking especially with men. Although with their own friend they will talk with normal tone, like one octave lower. Seriously, what the heck?
Even in television program, those who look cute, weak and dumb are more likely to be loved by the audience and the men guests.
It is kinda degrading for women, I guess. But, here, they seem do not mind about that.
So fake.

9. People can be so not open-minded about things, thinking that everything go in the same way like in their country. 
And thus, they act like; if you want to live here, you are the one who are required to understand my culture. I do not need to understand you, since I do not live in your country. That frustrates me a lot. But I can not blame that too. That is because they simply have not been gone or lived abroad. They do not understand the pressure of being constantly carefully about practically everything so you are not to be considered rude.

10. People can be so racist.
There is this one member in my lab that seems to be very `anti` to foreign people. Maybe he was intimidated because he can not speak English or I do not know. He seems to be very cynical towards certain country. However, he still can act politely in front of this foreign students. Then, I found out, it is not only him, some people in my lab also has the same feeling towards certain race. I mean, why you are so intimidated with foreign people when you can actually learn something about and from them? why you do not want to be open with others that are totally different from you?

I wrote this not because I am not grateful of the chance given to me to study here

On the contrary, I am thankful to God since He is the one who gives me that dream

and has made my dream come true.

I am thankful, despite of those bad things happened to me, His strength makes me to 

persevere and survive the struggle until now

The only reason I write this is to keep me sane and to remind me that it is not because of

the people here can be so crappy, but the culture is totally different with that I am used to

so I found myself not perfectly fit with it. 

And there is nothing wrong with me, since I am the one who is the alien

the outsider one, so I just have to suck it up and go with it.





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAiAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Things Left Unspoken

I just watched one of 30 rock episodes
so, Liz was trying to tell her colleagues to communicate
honestly to people they love before too late
In the end, some could communicate their true feeling
and had a happy ending.
Some, like in Jenna`s case, did not end well.
Since it was too late.
She had to left her true feeling left unspoken.
if you are interested to see what the episode was about click here




Once when I was too naive
I thought that no matter how bitter the truth could be
it should be spoken out loud
not just about facts
also about feelings
and thoughts
I wanted to be as honest as I can be


However, again, learning from experiences
there are things that should be left unspoken
no matter how you want to spit those out
especially about feelings and thoughts
since people might not agree about them
or people find them offensive
although you do not mean too
or they will drag you into some inconvenient situation
or unnecessary fights
or distant relationship
or they might be too cheesy to tell and people will think you weird
or mock you
or make fun of you
....sounds too paranoid,huh?

Well I do not speak based on nothing
There were some experiences resulted in awkward or disappointing moments
by the time I choose to speak my mind,
my feeling
my fear
They did not end well.
Some ended just like what I have mentioned above


It is not only about the content itself
sometimes it is more about to whom
you actually want to speak your mind or feeling out
sometimes it is easier to be as honest as you could
with someone you do not even know or strangers
less time to people who you actually care or love
or is it more because your communication ability?
or language barrier?

I wonder if there are actually such criteria or fine line
of things that you have to say clearly no matter what
or things that you should not ever consider to spill it out
I wonder if people just talk what is on their mind and heart
as truthful as they can, without filtering it out
will the world be a better word? or worse?

There was an old saying that truth hurts
therefore people tend not to be blatantly honest to each other
I think that is quite true
However, I can not stop thinking that what makes they are so sure about that
what if leaving things unspoken actually hurts you more?
does not regret leave a wound on your soul?
when it is too late?
what if leaving things unspoken tortures you more
with questions before you sleep, `what happen if I really say it?`
Many times I decided to leave things unspoken and
wait for the time to drift them away,
but many times too I sometimes wish I could have this hidden camera or speaker
within people I hide the truth from and find out
what were they actually thinking at the same time
And then the urge to tell the truth comes again,
but the condition was not that right
then you were left with sentences starting with
`If only he knew....`
`If only they knew....`
`If only you knew....`
`If only I knew....`

Why can communicating with other people be so difficult?
Why are we making strategies just to communicate with each other?
Why are we making it difficult?
I mean, if communication is intended to make things better
Why are people so scared to fail on communicating their feelings and minds?

Oh well,
seems to me that this time, there were too many questions
without any conclusion at all
thank you for bearing it with me through this topic
maybe this thing too
was better to be left unspoken
....

Being Single

Despite of not being successful in starting any relationship with men, in some occassion, actually,
I am quite sure that I will be single for the rest of my life.

It is not like I am too afraid of starting any new relationship
or to open my heart to a man.

I do not mind at all, if that is true.
In fact, I am pretty much sure it is God`s calling for me.
I am proud of it.
I can even say with confident in front of my family and friends
I do not have any plan or any desire to get married.
I do not feel ashamed although most of my friends with the same age
are planning to get or have already married and even have a child



Being single all of my life (excluding 2 days of having a status of somebody`s girlfriend, yep, 2 days, it was a monkey love, they said, so does not count), I realized,
I am more focused with my goals and responsibilities.
I can concentrate more on my relationship with family, friends
and, more importantly, God.
I can chase my dreams
I am happy
I can do whatever I want
I can be myself
I do not need any special man to enter my life and
to make me happy or satisfied

Based on my experience,every time I fall in love,
I will make that man as my priority, worstly, even God becomes second.
It was terrible.

The last experience taught me that.
Letting myself fall in love with someone will only drag me further
from everything I should be closer to.
I was more melancholy, which I am actually not.
Does not bring any benefit at all

I do not want that to happen again.
Ever.


The only thing that concerns me now is not the social/peer pressure
it is my parents.
It must be difficult having your child not married yet
not even involved in any relationship whatsoever
while their friends and families already have grandchildren
I feel like I have not made their happiness to be perfect yet

I have once or twice brought this matter
in front of them in a couple of occasion
They said they were not that worried
if until now I have not been in any special relationship
and am now concentrating on finishing my graduate course
but they seemed to be concerned
when I said I do not want to get married at all.
And sadly, I do not think I can not give that to them
I think that will be my failure
If only I can say to them, I will try to be anything that
you can be proud of
but not a wife of someone or mother to a child
They probably have to put their hope on my sisters
However, I can not say that, can`t I?


Thing that I can do for now
is praying to confirm this
I hope God can give me any confirmation
for this decision.
Eventhough that perfectly suitable man does not exist
thus will not come
I am OK with that
I have decided to follow whatever His decision
But the most important thing
I hope I do not misunderstand His answer
and what I believe in now is not merely me being stubborn
or having too much qualification or pride
Until then, I decide to enjoy my life as a single independent woman


And here`s a song that represents my thoughts about this topic

Rebound and Mockery

I hate to admit that i have let my guard down in weight controlling, as a result, I gain 2 kg, the worse part is that it manifests in my cheek and my chest part.
So this one friend started to mock me about me gaining weight; at first, I can laugh with him and not take it seriously.
But, lately, it's like everyday if I meet him, he will mock me. And that starts to irritate me, I decided not to go lunch or dinner as often with him as I used to.
He even mocks me in front of other friends
I was angry to him but most of all I am angry to myself not to discipline my menu. and work out rarely ( thanks to winter season)
There have been a lot of things that make me eat more; not to defend myself; i was so stressed out last year due to some problems I took eating as my comfort. It was wrong.

So, I will once again start from zero. I will show him, I will shut him up, within 2 months; you just see, mister!
I will not loose to you!
And most importantly, to my fatty self

image is taken from here

Forgiveness (to who does not even realize s/he has hurt you)

I have been dealing with `forgiveness` last year.To forgive myself from getting distracted from my dream and live goal was one thing, However, to forgive someone who even seems not to realize that his/her attitude hurt me was another thing.Frankly speaking, I have difficulties in doing this,eventhough the Bible has told me so many times to not only give it a try, but fight for it..I think, forgiving someone that realize that his words or attitude was wrong is much easier than what I mentioned previously. It was like, ....well....stupid, don:t you think? Plus, if you do not take the action of forgiving, you will only drag yourself into bottomless dark pit of yourself. And trust me, I have been there..
A couple of days ago, in my devotion time, I was reminded by an advice of Paul to the Romans,
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18 NIV)

that was a slap in my face. I tried to do that to him and her assistant. 
Apparently, I failed. Or maybe, I just haven`t tried harder. 
Honestly, I can not stand being in the same room with them, 
I am always too scared to feel that very same feeling whenever I am in that same situation back then;
being left out;
being forgotten;
being tossed out;
from his circle.
But I realized I have to face these kind of fear, 
as a Christian; I have to love them with Christ`s love; 
and Christ`s love does not fear anything


I have to take an action

So, here is my real first action,
Since I can not tell it in front of his face (because it will only make it worse)
I will say it here once for all,
and hopefully, I will not bring this up again,
ever...

I was too fool to think that we can be friends; in terms we can share everything,
because I felt we were getting closer as time went by,
Then, I let my guard down and my expectation too high, 
because I started to like you, or maybe love you.
It was not your fault, this was my fault
And I am sorry for that.

Then, I realized, especially after she comes,
I was not THAT special for you,
You were so kind because you have to do so,
not necessarily because you want to.
The thing that you did that hurt me was this;
You treat me like a stranger,
You treat me like I have never existed,
eventhough I was in the very same room and group
almost every day. For a year and a half.
And the peak of all;
you remembered her birthday, you gave her present in front of me, 
with a dark blue wrapping, my favorite colour.
although you know her colour was not that.
you forgot mine, I did not forget yours.
I was not angry because you did not give me any present.
I was disappointed because you did not even say 
`happy birthday` to me, just as simple as that. 
For me, remembering someone`s birthday is a special thing
and greeting them on their birthday
because that person is special for me 
It hurt me. It broke my heart into pieces.
I respect you and, to me, you are special, 
although may be not like a boyfriend (anymore)
because on that time, I have already realized
we are not made for each other
That very moment, I feel like a total trash.
That was why I decided to go home very early.


You show me that you are a lot happier being with her, 
than me.
I have never wanted to be mad at her, she has her boyfriend.
I should not feel jealous to her

Probably others have already noticed that and thought I was a bitch
and I was jealous of her. It was NOT entirely true!

In my sight, she was all over you,
I can not even reach you.
Even if I tried, your attitude signals I was only a bother for you
I fear i am loosing you.
I just  don`t want to be thrown away from this group.
I came here first! She later!
Why both of you acted like I was not even there????!?!?!?
In front of your eyes, there was only her
In front of her eyes, there was only you
I exist!
I care of you and her. I want to feel the feeling like we are in the same group.
laugh together, working in a great friendly atmosphere

But I was always left behind. 
I feel frustrated.
What should I do???
If only you knew how I really feel
If only I knew what you really feel
I have tried to tell you,  
twice;
but maybe that`s because the language barrier,
our conversations (and fights) over that only brought us further from each other
Then, we decide not to bring this up anymore, considering the problem was over.
It is not.
You keep doing it.
And we left that in silence. 
Although we promised each other, that if we feel something wrong, 
or we do not like each other attitude
we will say it clearly to each other, in front of our face.

I can not understand you anymore
You changed to somebody I don`t know
The worst part, I have to face you every day, every time
That was why I felt hurt.
That was why I choose not to be in the same room as much as I could 
when she was around.
So I do not feel hurt
So I will not remember that hurt feeling
And, probably, you can enjoy your time more when I do not exist.

Ok, so there...
I have said them all.
God help me not to let myself bringing these sad thoughts consume my life. 
Ever

The next action,
of course to let go and forgive

I have tried to let go
I am thankful for those beautiful memories I have with him.
But I will not treasure it as much as I did.
I managed to throw some of his gift`s wrap; which I treasured once
or at least not wearing them
I have limited myself not to talk to him,unless, for the experiment
and sometimes just for the sake of appropriateness
I am now trying to laugh a lot 
(although sometimes, I fell it was very fake、if I did it in front of him)
sometimes I failed and cried for a week, once XD
I focus on my experiments, 
spend more time with other friends, senpai and kouhai. 
And every time the `bitch` part of me tried to find out what he`s doing,talking
or what he`s having when I am not around, I will shake myself up and
try not to think over it.
I also try not to overthink and overanalyze every attitude or word of him to me.
I mean, if he hates me, it is his problem, not mine.
And I should not feel guilty.
If he does not tell me in my face, I should see it as he does not actually have a problem of me
It must be my negative thinking only.
I try to tell to myself the source of my joy is not him
It should be God
It is still in progression, but I think God has helped me to keep stronger
and I think I am now seeing the result a little bit.

Then of course, forgiveness
Well, imo, this is the hardest part,
but I think Kelly Clarkson`s song; `I forgive you`;
really help me to encourage myself to forgive him
I met him yesterday, we laughed like we used to, but then
she was not there,
I am kind of afraid, I don`t know what will happen next,
when she is around
Will I run?
I should not run,right?
If I forgive them, I should not run.
What will you do if you were me?
For the next last 2 months, (because her contract will be over by the end of March, phew!)
I will try my best.

Thanks for bearing this with me, readers!
Please pray for me so I can face this
with a brand new attitude

new beginning

After a few years considering to start a blog ( yep, talking bout a well thought planning) and a failed posting consistently at tmblr (forgot my own password and id, yep, true story); i finally decided to take a real action on this.

why blogging?

Because I love writing. 

I used to write on diaries, but then, due to my so called "busy activities", I started to abandoned that;  along with my comic making, novel writing, and cosplay hobbies. 

Yet, I cant't deny my urge to write, which, then took form into updating fb status or tweeting. Again, it did not satisfy my writing urge. 

I saw my little sis doing her blog and found it interesting; not to seek as many followers as you can ; rather it helps you to reflect on your own thoughts (and maybe sometimes to laugh at your own stupidities), especially if you are not too good or awkward in expressing yourself in front of many people.

Another point is, I think a lot, some people know me well said to me that I tend to overthink or overanalyze things; which sometimes drag me into unnecessary drama or dilemma in my life, so I guess, personally, blogging can  help me channeling this kind of downside. A therapy, to be exact.

why now?

Well, it's better late than never.