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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

10 things I hate about socializing in Japan

The longer you stay abroad, the more you will see the gloomy side of that country
Although that country has become your dream country in your life,
its culture might surprise you once you get deeper into it.
I have to thankful to this one person, whom from him, I learnt the true face of the culture of this place.
As a `gaikokujin` aka stranger in this country, firstly, I entered the stage of amazement,
where everything seemed so beautiful and so much better compared to my original country
But, then, after about 2.5 years living here, I found things that I hate, again, I do not hate the people, I just can not comprehend how they are accustomed to these things.

1. You do not express your own feeling to everyone except (probably) your own family
No matter how pissed off or sad you are, you are not allowed to show it. You just have to suck it up and act normally. Well, it sounds professional and nothing wrong about it, but here, people take it to a different level. 
If you feel something wrong and you are not comfortable with how your partner act, no matter how close he/she has been and no matter how long have you worked with him/her, you do not confront that. Confronting someone`s attitude means attacking the person him/herself to them.
To me, and I think to everybody else outside this country, confronting someone`s attitude is meant to confirm whether what I perceive is wrong or true and to discuss together what we can do to make it better and more comfortable for both parties so the teamwork can be more effective. However, apparently, this thing can not be accepted by this person. Maybe because he is older than me (although he claimed that we are equal in terms of position because we are, quote on quote, friend, by his term). Actually I do not want to bring this up, but I stand by the fact that we were quite close that time and that I just want to clarify everything up so I do not live with my own presumption and so does he and we can understand each other more, and there will be no more misunderstanding. We then reached some conclusion, I thought I made sure I made my point and understand his point of view. In fact, nothing changed, which frustrated me. I tried to bring this thing up again after considering many things. We reached decision. But then, nothing changed. Then, I conclude, OK, we probably will not ever understand each other. Discussion will not bring any changes. It even made things worse since ever since, our relationship   grows very distant. He probably hated me. I just have to accept that, suppress my concerns as deep as I can, and act like everything is great. Fake it until you make it.

2. If you concern about someone`s condition (even if that person is your friend), you do not ask the person directly, you discuss it with your other friends or stalk their social account.
This particular point is the point I hate the most. I mean seriously, if you care with someone, you talk to them. You do not just go quietly in front of that person and then talk to others that who do not even know them well than you do or that have nothing to do with that person. It seems so fake. To me, it seems to be very fake. `Oh, I am worried about her/him; do you know what happened to him/her?`; `Do you know what she/he writes on her/his status?`. Well, let me tell you something, THAT is gossiping, not caring. IT IS PRETENDING you care, where actually you do not care. If you do really care,YOU TALK TO THEM; NOT TALKING ABOUT them. Do you see the difference????Gosh! sorry for that sudden emotion. I just can not stand it. And trust me, I tried to tell this to my `friend`, he did not comprehend me.

3. Friendship in work place is made in order to hinder you from any problem and to achieve your own goal. Once you done with it and find a new one, you do not need to be friend with them anymore.
Once your work with your designated team is done, so is your `friendship`. I use quote on quote friendship since their definition of friendship is quite different with my culture`s. You do not have to feel obliged to remain friends although your previous work made you and your co-worker close  to each other. You can practically `throw` them away and act like you are strangers to each other. So it is pretty much, you acted really sweet to the newcomer, once you are done with them, you just `throw` them away, and go on with the next newcomer. Eventhough, you are in the same team, but since you do not work together literally anymore, you are not considered as his/her friend anymore.
In my country that is a term of `tali silahturahmi`, in english, it is probably closer with string of friendship, to maintain although you are not in the same project (or is it because I am too naive???) especially if you really become a good friend. It is so rude to act like you do not have any relationship between your previous co-worker. This thing really amazes me since, again, I realized how fake can your friendship be here. And to the fact how this particular country, based on my observation on its movies and animes revolve around,  really adores a principle of how important friend is. Also, in my culture,  since we have known each other, sometimes it becomes more than just friends, but family. So, eventhough we do not work on the same project since we are in the same team, we are still considering each other as friends. 

4. Outer image is everything
One thing that this country is really good about is imaging and packaging. They are pretty much good in making something that is actually simple to be so beautiful. They can even make diorama, figure, or any replica so similar with its natural version. Then, I realized how obsessive they are with beauty outside, it also manifests in how they interact with people. What important is what people outside see not what actually happen. Pretty much you can not believe what lies on the surface 100 per cent. They can look very happy or nice in front of you but they might talk behind your back.
Physical appearance also matters. Most of the girls can not go outside her house without wearing any make up. My friend said, if you do not use make up going to office, you are considered to be rude. 
You are judged as diligent or lazy merely from when do you go to work and when do you come home. If you go work early in the morning and come home lately, you are diligent. Although half of the day you spend it to browse facebook, streaming videos, or playing internet games and then you decide to go home fast so you can go drinking with your friends, you are still considered diligent as long you are seen to be seriously concentrating on your PC screen and arrive at home very late.

5. People do not like confrontation, as much as they can, they will always avoid that to happen.
It is pretty much like no.2. If people have some kind of problem facing with your attitude, they choose to be silent about it. They do not confront you or complain straight to you, they keep silent, and...talk behind you. And so, the problem still exist and no solution. But for them, maintaining a fake peace with you is better than confronting the problem and get it done once for all. They do not want confirm anything. They live with their own judgement and assumption, which pretty much, can be frustrating especially for strangers that has different culture and custom with them (such as me). The thing that I hate that is because even when they say, `you do not have to feel like you are a stranger because you are the same like us`, they actually still see you as a stranger. And although they know you are a stranger and not a japanese, they want you to adjust with their act, to act like them or else you are considered to be rude. I mean, seriously, I am a gaikokujin. I have different culture and upbringing. I will never be a japanese, give me a break, try to put your foot in my shoes just for once!

7. Too much `basa basi` (hard to find the english word for this one, the closer one is probably small talk)
In my country, there is also this kind of appropriate small talk, but we do it appropriately. We do not comment on weather every time we meet someone to start a talk like every single day. We do not comment how good our food we eat every 10 minutes with the same word. It looks like, here, people are too difficult to think about what do they want to talk when they hang out, they comment on what we consider in our country `unnecessary`. It really sounds to be too forced.

8. As long as they are cute and look weak, they are more likeable
I don`t get the concept why most of the woman has to raise their tone in talking especially with men. Although with their own friend they will talk with normal tone, like one octave lower. Seriously, what the heck?
Even in television program, those who look cute, weak and dumb are more likely to be loved by the audience and the men guests.
It is kinda degrading for women, I guess. But, here, they seem do not mind about that.
So fake.

9. People can be so not open-minded about things, thinking that everything go in the same way like in their country. 
And thus, they act like; if you want to live here, you are the one who are required to understand my culture. I do not need to understand you, since I do not live in your country. That frustrates me a lot. But I can not blame that too. That is because they simply have not been gone or lived abroad. They do not understand the pressure of being constantly carefully about practically everything so you are not to be considered rude.

10. People can be so racist.
There is this one member in my lab that seems to be very `anti` to foreign people. Maybe he was intimidated because he can not speak English or I do not know. He seems to be very cynical towards certain country. However, he still can act politely in front of this foreign students. Then, I found out, it is not only him, some people in my lab also has the same feeling towards certain race. I mean, why you are so intimidated with foreign people when you can actually learn something about and from them? why you do not want to be open with others that are totally different from you?


I wrote this not because I am not grateful of the chance given to me to study here
On the contrary, I am thankful to God since He is the one who gives me that dream
and has made my dream come true.
I am thankful, despite of those bad things happened to me, His strength makes me to 
persevere and survive the struggle until now
The only reason I write this is to keep me sane and to remind me that it is not because of
the people here can be so crappy, but the culture is totally different with that I am used to
so I found myself not perfectly fit with it. 
And there is nothing wrong with me, since I am the one who is the alien
the outsider one, so I just have to suck it up and go with it.





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAiAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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