I have been dealing with `forgiveness` last year.To forgive myself from getting distracted from my dream and live goal was one thing, However, to forgive someone who even seems not to realize that his/her attitude hurt me was another thing.Frankly speaking, I have difficulties in doing this,eventhough the Bible has told me so many times to not only give it a try, but fight for it..I think, forgiving someone that realize that his words or attitude was wrong is much easier than what I mentioned previously. It was like, ....well....stupid, don:t you think? Plus, if you do not take the action of forgiving, you will only drag yourself into bottomless dark pit of yourself. And trust me, I have been there..
A couple of days ago, in my devotion time, I was reminded by an advice of Paul to the Romans,
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18 NIV)
that was a slap in my face. I tried to do that to him and her assistant.
Apparently, I failed. Or maybe, I just haven`t tried harder.
Honestly, I can not stand being in the same room with them,
I am always too scared to feel that very same feeling whenever I am in that same situation back then;
being left out;
being forgotten;
being tossed out;
from his circle.
But I realized I have to face these kind of fear,
as a Christian; I have to love them with Christ`s love;
and Christ`s love does not fear anything
I have to take an action
So, here is my real first action,
Since I can not tell it in front of his face (because it will only make it worse)
I will say it here once for all,
and hopefully, I will not bring this up again,
ever...
I was too fool to think that we can be friends; in terms we can share everything,
because I felt we were getting closer as time went by,
Then, I let my guard down and my expectation too high,
because I started to like you, or maybe love you.
It was not your fault, this was my fault
And I am sorry for that.
Then, I realized, especially after she comes,
I was not THAT special for you,
You were so kind because you have to do so,
not necessarily because you want to.
The thing that you did that hurt me was this;
You treat me like a stranger,
You treat me like I have never existed,
eventhough I was in the very same room and group
almost every day. For a year and a half.
And the peak of all;
you remembered her birthday, you gave her present in front of me,
with a dark blue wrapping, my favorite colour.
although you know her colour was not that.
you forgot mine, I did not forget yours.
I was not angry because you did not give me any present.
I was disappointed because you did not even say
`happy birthday` to me, just as simple as that.
For me, remembering someone`s birthday is a special thing
and greeting them on their birthday
because that person is special for me
It hurt me. It broke my heart into pieces.
I respect you and, to me, you are special,
although may be not like a boyfriend (anymore)
because on that time, I have already realized
we are not made for each other
That very moment, I feel like a total trash.
That was why I decided to go home very early.
You show me that you are a lot happier being with her,
than me.
I have never wanted to be mad at her, she has her boyfriend.
I should not feel jealous to her
Probably others have already noticed that and thought I was a bitch
and I was jealous of her. It was NOT entirely true!
In my sight, she was all over you,
I can not even reach you.
Even if I tried, your attitude signals I was only a bother for you
I fear i am loosing you.
I just don`t want to be thrown away from this group.
I came here first! She later!
Why both of you acted like I was not even there????!?!?!?
In front of your eyes, there was only her
In front of her eyes, there was only you
I exist!
I care of you and her. I want to feel the feeling like we are in the same group.
laugh together, working in a great friendly atmosphere
But I was always left behind.
I feel frustrated.
What should I do???
If only you knew how I really feel
If only I knew what you really feel
I have tried to tell you,
twice;
but maybe that`s because the language barrier,
our conversations (and fights) over that only brought us further from each other
Then, we decide not to bring this up anymore, considering the problem was over.
It is not.
You keep doing it.
And we left that in silence.
Although we promised each other, that if we feel something wrong,
or we do not like each other attitude
we will say it clearly to each other, in front of our face.
I can not understand you anymore
You changed to somebody I don`t know
The worst part, I have to face you every day, every time
That was why I felt hurt.
That was why I choose not to be in the same room as much as I could
when she was around.
So I do not feel hurt
So I will not remember that hurt feeling
And, probably, you can enjoy your time more when I do not exist.
Ok, so there...
I have said them all.
God help me not to let myself bringing these sad thoughts consume my life.
Ever
The next action,
of course to let go and forgive
I have tried to let go
I am thankful for those beautiful memories I have with him.
But I will not treasure it as much as I did.
I managed to throw some of his gift`s wrap; which I treasured once
or at least not wearing them
I have limited myself not to talk to him,unless, for the experiment
and sometimes just for the sake of appropriateness
I am now trying to laugh a lot
(although sometimes, I fell it was very fake、if I did it in front of him)
sometimes I failed and cried for a week, once XD
I focus on my experiments,
spend more time with other friends, senpai and kouhai.
And every time the `bitch` part of me tried to find out what he`s doing,talking
or what he`s having when I am not around, I will shake myself up and
try not to think over it.
I also try not to overthink and overanalyze every attitude or word of him to me.
I mean, if he hates me, it is his problem, not mine.
And I should not feel guilty.
If he does not tell me in my face, I should see it as he does not actually have a problem of me
It must be my negative thinking only.
I try to tell to myself the source of my joy is not him
It should be God
It is still in progression, but I think God has helped me to keep stronger
and I think I am now seeing the result a little bit.
Then of course, forgiveness
Well, imo, this is the hardest part,
but I think Kelly Clarkson`s song; `I forgive you`;
really help me to encourage myself to forgive him
I met him yesterday, we laughed like we used to, but then
she was not there,
I am kind of afraid, I don`t know what will happen next,
when she is around
Will I run?
I should not run,right?
If I forgive them, I should not run.
What will you do if you were me?
For the next last 2 months, (because her contract will be over by the end of March, phew!)
I will try my best.
Thanks for bearing this with me, readers!
Please pray for me so I can face this
with a brand new attitude
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