Moving On (is so difficult)

It is almost one and half year now

but the wound still feel fresh

whenever I remember those sad events

the hurt that I feel is always the same

even worse

The more I try to push it and sink it down

it always comes up, floating,

The more I feel the sadness

I have never experienced this kind of sadness

in my lifetime

even if I have problem with some people

I managed to solve it, or maybe because

the time and space took their part in my healing time

I start to think that I have these symptoms 

of chronic depression

It can not come off out of me

I tried to talk it out with the one that cause me the problem

it did not work

I wrote what I felt in blog 

so I can throw those bad feelings and thinkings and

do not have to leave them in my heart and brain

It did not work

I asked for advice from people that I trust

It did not work

I pray to God

but it seemed not working either

or maybe I have lost my faith and let myself consumed

with those sad memories

I tried to be happy,

not to be close to the source problem

I build walls

I played games

I went out with my friends and made new friends

in hope I can forget everything

I took day off so I did not have to meet the problem source

Even if it seemed to work

it worked only when I was not around the problem source

The thing is, I have to be around the problem source

like, everyday, literally,

we are in the same room

And every time we meet, I feel hurt again.

I am waiting for the day that I do not have to be around 

not too close

not seeing the problem source

so I can concentrate to heal myself (with God`s help of course)

In time like this, I wish I was heartless

not caring about other think or feel about me

I just wish the source problem understand my feeling and burden 

that I carry now

Or...

am I the egoist one?

Do I force the source problem to understand my feeling without trying to understand how the problem source feel?

We have already talked but it seemed we will never understand each other

it seemed everything that we do to each other will be misunderstood

I know I have to stop thinking about this

I wish I could

I can not

I am quite desperate now

I wish I could move on with my life

the problem source is not my center of joy

God should be the center of my joy and life

I failed to put the later to be my center

God help me....