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Thursday, January 17, 2013

Moving On (is so difficult)

It is almost one and half year now
but the wound still feel fresh
whenever I remember those sad events
the hurt that I feel is always the same
even worse
The more I try to push it and sink it down
it always comes up, floating,
The more I feel the sadness
I have never experienced this kind of sadness
in my lifetime
even if I have problem with some people
I managed to solve it, or maybe because
the time and space took their part in my healing time

I start to think that I have these symptoms 
of chronic depression
It can not come off out of me
I tried to talk it out with the one that cause me the problem
it did not work
I wrote what I felt in blog 
so I can throw those bad feelings and thinkings and
do not have to leave them in my heart and brain
It did not work
I asked for advice from people that I trust
It did not work
I pray to God
but it seemed not working either
or maybe I have lost my faith and let myself consumed
with those sad memories
I tried to be happy,
not to be close to the source problem
I build walls
I played games
I went out with my friends and made new friends
in hope I can forget everything
I took day off so I did not have to meet the problem source
Even if it seemed to work
it worked only when I was not around the problem source
The thing is, I have to be around the problem source
like, everyday, literally,
we are in the same room
And every time we meet, I feel hurt again.

I am waiting for the day that I do not have to be around 
not too close
not seeing the problem source
so I can concentrate to heal myself (with God`s help of course)
In time like this, I wish I was heartless
not caring about other think or feel about me
I just wish the source problem understand my feeling and burden 
that I carry now
am I the egoist one?
Do I force the source problem to understand my feeling without trying to understand how the problem source feel?
We have already talked but it seemed we will never understand each other
it seemed everything that we do to each other will be misunderstood

I know I have to stop thinking about this
I wish I could
I can not
I am quite desperate now
I wish I could move on with my life
the problem source is not my center of joy
God should be the center of my joy and life
I failed to put the later to be my center
God help me....

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