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Monday, March 18, 2013

All Or Nothing

I can not hide my disappointment
when my senpai said that the seat are already decided
Again, I feel being left out,
they decide it without even asking me.
The one that bothers me a lot, it is like my opinion
is not important
my senpai said, that was because T-san already decided that he and S-san will sit side by side
then, my senpai thought he will take the desk beside them.
Thus, I will sit across three of them
The fact that they decided themselves added the feeling of throwing me outside the circle
Am I being of bitch thinking this way?
I state my objection and my reason including my feeling of being set aside.
My senpai said he did not thought I will be that objected, then he asked, whether it is ok if I sit in the same line with T-san and S-san. I said, I have no problem with it, I said.
But then I feel bad, since probably he then will see me as a spoiled person.

The other incident was, when my senpai said that from april, we can not be that noisy.
And then he said while looking at me, `that means also we can not listen music with big volume`
then he continued, "like you always do when you hear music."
"But that was when no one here, right?" I answered
"but when you listen to your ipod you always listen with big volume everyone can hear"
"I prefer you said that from the beginning."
"It is because Japanese people do not say if they think they do not mind."
And I was speechless. I was like, yeah but then you brought this thing up in front of the people or talked behind my back. Then, it was like that was my last straw.
I do not think I can really understand japanese people.
I tried to but apparently in the end, I am always will be the outsider.
I am tired of trying to be their part, if it will only end with being misunderstood.
Or were these all my "all or nothing" way of thinking?
I am just tired to think this kind of way yet when something happens it will connect this way.

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