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Saturday, March 2, 2013

Being Alienated

So after having another `deep conversation` with him again.
He convinced me that I am not alone,
that he never has in his mind that `I better off while he`s around`
and I can talk the way I talk with my senpai
But today, I saw him, slipped out without saying anything
I thought first, maybe they are going for the drink 
you know, staff only gathering.
But then, I was shocked seeing my senpai also coming
It means, I am the only one who is not invited
My mind soon races, 
`so this is how you say you are not alone?`
`so this is how you say, i am part of the group?`
I was actually convinced that although I am a stranger
as long as I act nice, speak japanese,
and do everything as japanese as can be,
I will be accepted, at least to my little group with him
At least, at first, I felt that way,
but after another one half year later, I think I am left alone
maybe because of things I did
and those things offended them, although they are not straightforward
or maybe because of the conflict I had with him
(and as a stranger, although I have my reason, I will always be the bitch,
while he will be forever innocent, and everyone will always be on his side
no matter what happens)
So, really, I think I am pretty much fed up with
`togetherness` they praise so much
I think it only applies to their own people,
to strangers, it only applies at the beginning,
maybe I might just act like a real stranger,
not bothering trying to fit in at all,
just like my Chinese senpai,
maybe I should just try to speak in English
just to make the border becomes very obvious

Gosh, I think too much
maybe they do not hate me,
they just do not me to go with them because I am pretty much poor
I can not afford the place they go
maybe they see me being too busy 
to socialize anymore
Well, I find it very hard to think positive right now,
or even, recently.

Well, I guess, I just need more dose of SNL 
to make me feel better

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