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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Us and You

Sometimes my own thoughts amazed me, especially after this tough one and half years,
Before, I was so confident with myself, that being a foreigner was not even a problem for me
when trying to socialize with the japanese around me. 
However, after `that confrontation` which I meant only to clarify things without any intention to state `I hate you` and I only wanted to find solution ` happened, it seems that there is no other way but down hill. 
The worst part is that I really do not know anymore which is true which is not.
Have I been living in a world that does not really exist?
Have I been thinking too much, it draws me further from reality? 
I guess, what people consider as over-thinking, to me is actually an effort trying to understand whether I did was wrong or not, since I learnt from my previous mistake of expressing my true feeling in japanese society. 
And because I found such paradoxical thing in reality.
For instance people say that I am allowed to be as I am, that I can act as Indonesian as I can be without too much consideration, but in practice, I can sense an unspoken gesture of interaction withdrawal at the same time when I eventually act like that. In the end, I can not sense any feeling but `Us and you` . 
It grows even bigger in the fact that I am the only one who is a foreigner here.
And even though I tried as much as I can to be involved with them despite of the language barrier (also with a fear of stepping too far, violating their own private boundaries)
the only thing that I sense from most of them (not all of them), is rejection.
Maybe the did not mean that, maybe they just did not want to put the same burden as they would put among their own  because as a foreigner, I was considered not necessary to carry 
the same weight of social obligation.
But, then again, it brings me to the realization that I fear the most which is 
being left out
being set aside
being a gaijin
This would then lead me into a satan`s circle of over-thinking, confusion, self-withdrawal, and depression. 

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