Rejection

Reflecting my life, after all these years, now I am pretty much sure

that my biggest fear and weakness is rejection

It sometimes leads me also into paranoid state

It actually does not matter if the people who reject me

are those who are not close to me,

it actually makes me a little bit easy because 

I do not feel attached to them.

However, the damage will be quite massive if the people

are those who I consider close to me 

and when I think that I has lost my trust in them

due to their attitude,

I will tend to keep thinking negatively constantly

I know this is not good

But I can not deny it, once I lost it, I will be extremely sensitive towards

every single word or attitude from that person 

My brain automatically analyzes it as if they have other hidden meaning

Weird, isn`t it?

I wonder if I have been that possessive towards people

that I am so insecure when loosing their attention?

Or is it maybe because, unconciously, I have been lonely, and

now should realize that I need a `soulmate` 

to love and share with me? 

........

Nah... 

....

I`m not sure for the later reason.

Anyway,

Some friends have warned me not to think too much

They are right, whenever I think too much, my energy is drained,

and so is my focus. And that is not good.

But it happens.

I even have experienced literally exhausted only by thinking too much,

my brain feels like to explode anytime soon, so exhausting,

you just like want to shut down and sleep for a very long time

It is quite depressing actually,

since sometimes it only takes one simple moment, and my mind will race

into so many thoughts and feelings in no time; and when it is a bad moment

it is quite destructive for myself 

Actually I have never been like this before,

Maybe that is because I live in a foreign country,

I feel like I have to be extra careful so I will not make any mistake

or things that might offend them.

Sometimes this works, sometimes not.

Sometimes I am too careful, I end up doing nothing 

I am too busy hiding within myself thinking how should I act.

I have been in some trouble in socializing especially with particular person.

Misunderstanding is the main problem

I really want to act like I did. 

Freely. 

No assumption. 

Not caring what other think.

But again, I guess, you can not do that since you live with other people

You should be sensitive towards each other, right?

although not overly.

As a stranger, you just want to feel accepted

although you have to realize, the place you are in now

is not a place where you belong,

so it is actually normal if you feel that you will never be a part of them

it is normal to feel that way

and it is not your fault.

Sometimes it does not always mean rejection.

No matter how hard you try to adjust,

in the end you are still a triangle among squares.

Sorry, my mind was racing away from the topic XD

anyway, I am pretty pissed of since satan really knows my weakness

and now he attacks me, quite often. 

and the intensity is pretty much growing within this time.

for quite long time (uhm, almost two years, I guess)

in my faith, to encounter this kind of feeling

you have to believe in Jesus and 

that only His overflowing love can fulfill your need of love

so whenever you feel rejected and therefore, not being loved,

you have to remember it and you have to be content

with His love.

That should be enough.

A very simple principle, hard to practice it T-T

particularly, when you are not in your comfort zone, where you are sure

you are among those who really care about you and love you

there is no other way to remind yourself.