Unexpectedly, I found I have a very high possibilities of having cyclothmia disorder. It has been said that cyclothymia is a mild form of bipolar disorder that is characterized by mood fluctuations that shift between depressive and hypomanic phases (taken from here). They enlist some of the symptoms of depressive and hypomanic. There are some that fit me I will write them down here, especially when I am around those two (you know who);
Hypomanic phase
- Reduced ability to concentrate, easily distracted ==> this is so true since I can not even comprehend a sentence while reading any journals when those two are around, or when I do some experiments, I tend to do mistakes sometimes in the same condition.
- Sleep difficulties, excessive energy ==> I had this kind of difficulties before, yet, it increases during the time. I do have excessive energy since recently I am able to stay awake and do experiment like even on 4 in the morning with full concentration (esp when they were not around)
- Hypomania lasts between several days and weeks
Depressive phase
- Feelings of inadequacy, low self-confidence ==> usually given the situation of being there between those and constantly ignored makes me think that I am not worthy to be noticed at all. And I will start think that maybe it is because my lab skill is not as good as hers, maybe it is because I am a foreign (who even understand and can speak japanese) therefore I am an the outsider; not necessarily have to be included in every conversation, or because I am too young or something. Those thoughts will most likely worsen my mood and makes me more depressed.
-Difficulty failing asleep, unrestful sleep ==> I used a sleep application recently to assess my sleep quality and apparently my deep sleep phase has been very in a short period. Every time I go to sleep, my thoughts will run around those good memories at my early master course years and then will switch to sad and hurtful memories related with. Sometimes, I even have to cry first in order to feel tired and finally can go to sleep
-Negative thinking, feelings of guilt and sadness ==> I do not mean to be a defensive person. However, I think everyone will feel the same if they were in my position. I mean, how you will not think negatively if you were suddenly not treated well when you actually do not change and act nice? You will surely become less optimistic in maintaining friendship with someone that `throw` you away after having new friend even though you are still in the same surroundings (or even room!). All of the thoughts will surely end in `maybe he simply does not want to be your freind` eventually. Part of me can not accept it, with all things that we have been through which I consider them valuable (not for him, apparently) Although, I am pretty much sure that it is not entirely my fault, yet, I will blame myself as the only one that is guilty on this case. Subsequently, the sadness pain came; recently it also took form into chest pain. Well, it is not like chest pain that found in people with heart attack experience. It is more like, you know, when somebody hurt your feeling, you will feel ache in your heart. Sometimes I have short breath, and sometimes I feel very heavy to even breathe.
- Loss of interest in formerly enjoyable activities ==> in my case, because by doing those activities (for example drinking sake or playing monster hunter tri g) will remind me of good times we had (because we did not do them at all until now), those will make me feel completely sad.
- Depression lasting between several days and several weeks
I am considering to find a professional help from psychoterapist or something. I actually have consulted it with my lab staff. Apparently, it will be very difficult to find it nearby. I think I have to cross out that option for now. I just hope this disorder will not get worse and will be over soon since one of the source problem will leave in the next two months. I guess, I have to do things that I can do; praying and reading the bible; trying to stay nice; keeping the distance (arranging time and everything else so I do not have to be in the same room with them for too long without seemingly in purpose); always reminding myself of my purpose here and not to blame myself about what happened; talking the issue with some reliable friends; finding new circles of friends, not to be hard on myself. And the most important is, believing that my source of joy is not being around those kind of people but God and God alone.
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