Total Pageviews

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bittersweet Indirect Announcement

I was with my friend standing in front of the entrance in
my lecturer`s retirement party.
He was standing across us, not too close.
Then one of my sensei`s colleague came to greet him,
at the same time, my sensei also saw them and came to them
suddenly, we heard he said, `yes, he will get married,
it is all thanks to you, K-sensei`
I was flabbergasted
He never tells me that
I heard my friend asked me, `He`ll get married?`
`No. I don`t know. Do you know?`
She said she didn`t know
I was speechless

I actually knew that moment will arrive sooner or later
but, I have never thought I`d find out with this kind of way
He will apparently get married
I have prepared myself actually if this thing will happen someday
I overheard his conversation with other member something about
wedding hall,
I also saw a card  name of some kind of wedding planner at his desk
a couple of weeks ago.
I also heard that someone said, `This year will be a great year, K will graduate,
and then you...`
And therefore, I have suspected that there might be a possibility
he will get married.
Do not get me wrong
I once fell for him
but then I realized, he is not for me
Now, I even can say, I do not have any special feeling
other than I respect him and really want to support him
as we are in the same group (or at least, that is what I think)
My heart was broken, but that was one year ago
And part of me was actually happy for him
He is a good and warm hearted man
He treats women nicely
He deserves someone that loves him purely

The thing is, he does not tell me
not even a bit
apparently I am not as close as I thought to him
that I deserve to hear the good news
I was too naive thinking that
if I consider him as a close friend, he will too
Sometimes it just goes one way
The scariest part is to think that I might be not invited
(does not mean I eagerly want to be invited or something, is just,
I will feel once more forgotten, after all of those good things happen
between us)
And how do I feel right now?
I thought I will cry by the time I will get home if not on the party hall
but until now, I can not shed my tears
My chest feels heavy
yet I do not feel that depressed
I will not bring this up to him, in fact, I would probably be silent
and try to forget it
besides, if he does not tell me, then,
it is not my business,
you know, Japanese logic

Looking back, now I understand why God let me know
about the conversation of him being introduced with a nice girl
last year when we went for skiing
(I am not sure whether the bride would be the same girl)
and why God send my friend being his assistant
He was preparing all the time,
a wall,
a barrier,
because He knows he is not for me
Those are the ways to make me understand and realize
from my blindness
so it will not hurt that much,
because by the time I found about this,
due those walls and barriers build up during last year
I do not feel that much hurt
It is actually more to disappointment
pretty much what Adele sings hahahaha...
Anyway, I really hope the best for him
and his bride
Invited or not, I will be happy for him
I hope with this thing happened, I can move on.
Besides, we walk in different pathway,
I was fortunate to meet him during my journey,
And now, it is simply the time to say goodbye
and move on

No comments:

Post a Comment