Attention whore

Actually this started from a random thought.

I think I have been an attention whore sometimes
Especially in updating my status in fb last year
when I have this depression because of him
At first, i thought I was just releasing my stress
writing I really want to say but can not say
in`the real world`, secretly, wanting someone would comment
and encourage me with their words.
But, then, a friend said to me that my status
are starting to make people worried
I did not care the first time
I just want to let my feeling out
and that is my fb account, no one can forbid me
what I want to write
Then, I realized, as times went by, she indicated directly that
it started to be annoying.
Then, it hit me..
I became an attention whore

picture is taken from here

So, I started to analyze myself

Why I become an attention whore?

Well there are some hypotheses that could be explanation.

After watching a couple of times documentaries about serial killer (what is the relationship, irene?!?!?!1), I learnt that all disturbing behaviors root from childhoold experience.

I think I have this kind of wanting attention feeling since my first sister was born. Suddenly, I was not my parents main attention anymore. It sometimes made me feel being treated not fair. If something wrong happened to my sister,  I always became the scapegoat. Back then, I was not that smart either  (am now too, actually), I even got a lower IQ points than my sister, that also made my self esteem low. I need to feel that I am loved and I need the attention to make me feel worthy and better. She stole their attention from me. All of their attention are for the little sister. Then I learnt, if I get good grades, I kind of `steal` the attention back for me.  So, I grew up with thinking I have to be the best so I can make them satisfied. It was a kind of wrong way of thinking. A childish one. Took a couple of times to adjust and understand that they still love you as much as they love your sister and that they were teaching me to be responsible for my sister. And that they love you for you not because of something you have achieved. When my second little sis born, fortunately, I do not feel that kind of feeling again towards my sisters.

Yet, I can not deny the same insecurity still haunts me sometimes

Second, despite of my major personality being a very sanguin (with a little bit choleric), my biggest fear is being alone and forgotten. In every situation, as much as I can, I have to make myself being likeable to everybody around me (although, later in time, I learnt that it is impossible to make everybody likes you while being true to yourself). Sometimes, I even feel that my confidence fades away especially after making stupid or obvious mistake. I need attention to make me feel better. To make me feel that I am still useful despite of my flaws. I try to help people as much as I can (although sometimes, some people simply wanted to be left alone) because I also like the feeling of being needed. Again, it makes me feel like I am useful as a human being, therefore, I will not feel like I am forgotten. 

I know it sounds pathetic but I also enjoy being pitied by people (well until certain level only,though) because on that time, I feel being understood and again, feel loved. I have to admit, I sometimes pretended to be sick (although not really that sick) to have their attention on me, especially after feeling not being recognized by my hardwork. No matter what, I have to make them see me. Well, it is not always necessarily every time. I think, when my self esteem is in low level or insecure due to my weaknesses or flaws, the urge of searching for attention is quite high. I have to do it in order to assure myself that I am not forgotten. 

.

Pretty much pathetic?

Yeah, I think so. 

I hope I will not victimize myself too often.

I am still learning on it.

besides, I have to remember that I have God who loves me unconditionally;
I have to, like Paul The Apostle, be content with God's love.

picture is taken from here